Denis Lehane: Single farmer needs an (air)lift
And I’m not talking about those in need abroad, but here in Ireland.
At this present moment in time, the single farmer is by far the most maligned, marginalised and misunderstood creature in the whole of Ireland.
In last week’s Budget, for instance, where his plight could have been so easily highlighted by Minister Noonan, there was no mention of him. There was no scheme, grant or assistance tossed his way.
The pensioner got the promise of a fiver, the single famer got feck all. Noonan, you should be ashamed of yourself and all your old talk. Anyhow, as usual, it’s left up to likes of me to try and sort something out.
Hence my focus on last week’s airlift.
Now, what I’m proposing here is nothing extraordinary, bizarre or outrageous, it’s simply a proposal to airlift 50 or 60 single farmers to a part of the world where single women are plentiful.
Not sure where this place is however, or even if such a place has a runway.
All I do know is that we have a plane fit for purpose, and a man right here willing to get the ball rolling in any way I can.
Of course, some might argue that it could be easier to airlift single women into rural Ireland.
But this is pie in the sky. It would be a daft plan entirely.
No. Right now, we have the single men, and we have the plane. Two out of three ain’t bad, so let’s stick with that.
Obviously, the hope would be that the women would be found in some warm spot like the Bahamas, rather than Outer Mongolia, where I’d imagine we might get a frosty reception on our arrival.
Of course, another problem that might ground my efforts at airlifting single farmers to paradise could well be in the shape of married farmers trying to slip on board.
After all, the fun out there in Jamaica or some place like it could be mighty.
Anyway, having thought the whole business through very carefully, I have all the answers.
In an effort to separate the wheat from the chaff, if you like, a process would have to be put in place to weed out the married men.
And how do you tell a married farmer from a single farmer, if no ring is being flashed?
That’s very straightforward. Demand to see his credit card statement.
And if the credit card is produced at all, chances are the poor fellow is fettered with the old matrimonial rope. A mere glance at the lengthy statement should then confirm what you already suspect.
In this fashion, one could ensure that it’s only single men who take to the skies.
So if you are a single farmer, might I suggest that you get your business in order right away, and get in help to cover you in your absence.
And have your passport in order, and, while you’re at it, get vaccinated for all kinds of bites and stings that you might be prone to in foreign parts.
The time has come for the single farmer to seek out pastures new, to take flight to the promised land.
