Denis Lehane: Speed trap put a stop to my gallop
“I feel the need for speed,” he exclaimed.
But it’s not only the likes of Tom Cruise who can sometimes feel the need for speed.
Believe it or not, even easy going farmers like myself, fellows who seem to plod along at a snail’s pace, can sometimes get the urge to put the foot down.
Last Monday’ for instance, on the outskirts of Coachford village in Co Cork, I felt the need for speed.
I was late for the school pickup, you see, as I headed back from Kilmallock Mart.
Anyhow, leaving the village of Coachford, the shoe went down, the chest went out, and the head went back. I was like Mario Andretti himself.
And there to record my gallant effort was the speed van, parked in a ditch.
I got an unexpected letter in the post yesterday, the kind of which I had never received before, explaining the whole thing.
‘Mr Lehane,’ it stated, ‘you stand accused of blazing down the road outside the village of Coachford at a speed of 59km per hour. You should slow down, you hoor,’ it read, or words to that effect.
The crux of the thing was, I had been going a full 9km per hour faster than I should, and as a consequence, I was ordered to pay €80, and given three penalty points for my trouble.
I had to admit when I read the thing, tears flowed, for in all my 30 years of road usage, I had never received such a compliment.
Upon telling my friends and family, it was with utter disbelief that they received the news.
“But you are the slowest driver in the world!” my daughter Aisling exclaimed. A fact her friend Orla wholeheartedly agreed with.
“Well, not anymore,” says I, as I proudly waved my speeding ticket the way Neville Chamberlain waved the Munich Agreement.
Not only was it hard to believe that I was capable of such manoeuvring, but my jeep also has a poor record when it comes to cutting a dash.
Some years ago, I was informed that the jeep’s turbo had died.
Well, it was far from dead in Coachford last Monday, as I tore down the road like a teenage boy racer.
Of course, there is still the option of an appeal and, considering the hefty fine, I did contemplate it for a while.
Particularly when there are question marks over the ability of both the driver and his machine.
I once remember a fellow in a similar circumstance to myself appealed a speeding fine on the grounds that he felt his vehicle wasn’t up to the challenge.
Well there was nothing for it, only for the judge, wig and all, to hop on board and see if the speed could be reached.
Sure enough, neither the judge nor the accused were able to hit the mark again. The speed couldn’t be attained, the charge was struck out. I thought of aiming to do the same, and if I got a weighty judge, I might well get the thing quashed.
But then I decided against it, a fellow in my position should be very slow in denying a charge of speeding.
