Euro lingo expert stumped

THE other day, I purchased some organic strawberry conserve. As I paid the assistant, he remarked “money for jam”, and got me thinking about old sayings we all use every day.

Their origins do not concern me, they can be ascertained if one were to ask granny, browse the internet or look in something called a book.

My concern is more to do with the future of these expressions.

Even as we speak, the EU regulator for a common language is looking closely at colloquialisms and sayings, in order to establish which country is responsible for each one.

The study is expected to last three years. In that time, the inspector will have to travel to all EU member states and listen to the varied phrases and expressions, some peculiar to the country of origin and others that may have travelled.

It is the wandering phrases that the official is most interested in.

If it is found that a country has been importing and using stock expressions that were not theirs to begin with, a hefty fine will be imposed and the phrase will be returned to its place of birth.

A spokesman said yesterday, "Right now, ze eggs are not in ze one basket, but have come home to roost all over ze shop. Birds of feathers not only flock together, so one swallow does not mean a summer of new sayings"?

"Vot we need to do now is grab ze bull by ze horns and, as we cannot wait for ze cows to come home, it is entirely likely that ze pigs will be flying by then."

The study has been going on for a year. In that time, the inspector has visited all the countries on the continent and Britain, but is expected to be quite a while here in Ireland, where he has got bogged down with the multiple variations on the same phrases. What is really stumping him is the "affirmative no", a stock expression which is peculiar to South Munster, such as "I will, yeah" which of course means I will not. The phrase can also be body specific, as in I will in my ------- (insert whatever body part you like usually the posterior).

When quizzed on his progress last week, the German inspector made an apparent reference to his compatriot, the golfer, Bernhard Langer. He seems to think everything somehow belongs to Herr Langer as in, "everything here is Langers".