THE gates to my house are in sorry disrepair.

WHEN that 15-year-old student and her 30-year-old teacher were on the run in France last week, it was as if the media were trying to recreate a missing child story of Madeleine McCann proportions.

I WOULD really like to make use of this column space to express my horror at the international violence caused by some stupid film made by an unknown muppet in California.

UNO dos tres – ready?

WHAT’S that sound?

NEVER mind Hurricane Isaac.

IF you ever want to feel old, fat and naff, go to the South of France.

OUR holiday sounds quite fancy — the south of France — until you add ‘in a tent’.

I’M WRITING this with my nose, and using my forehead for the space bar.

FIRST we had George W Bush being misunderestimated, now we have Mitt Romney being mischaracterised.