"His only comment about cats seemed to be about eating them; not another cat-related sexual euphemism to make you retch into your handbag"

"I can’t even Google what to do because every spider article is illustrated with — yes — a big fat horrific photo of a spider. I literally can’t look at images of them."

Funny how it’s always girls who are accused of hysteria, as news of this latest reunion wets the knickers of dad-lads everywhere

"I’d expended lots of energy keeping him and his sister alive and well, and didn’t want sport to undo my good work. Play football, I urged him. Then you can throw yourself to the floor screaming if anyone touches you."

You might already know French summer basics like sorbet or Perrier, but this heat elevates the need for cooling-related words to next level

What we really learned from these Olympics is how confidence and ability are the most gorgeous combination on Earth

"Slow boats and quiet roads, where you set your satnav to avoid the crowds, and meander towards your destination as languidly as if you really had injected yourself with horse tranquiliser."

Let us hope it’s a recurring one, that haunts him all the way back to his Florida gold taps.

"Worse than privatising the weather is politicising the weather. Weather doesn’t recognise political borders; if a storm is making its way across an ocean, meteorologists from elsewhere tend to phone ahead and share information."

I've seen nine prime ministers while living in Britain, Starmer is the tenth to move into Number 10