Andrea Mara asks if Valentine’s Day should be exclusively for parents to nurture their relationship or if it should also involve their children
ON our first February 14 together, my now-husband sent me a text, saying ‘Happy Valentine’s Day.’ Not exactly hearts and flowers, but, for that stage in our three-week-long relationship, hearts and flowers would have sent me running for the hills.
The following year, we went for dinner, feeling very grown-up. Except, we were crammed so close to the people beside us, I could have dipped my chips in their ketchup without either of us noticing, and we had to give the table back after an hour, because the restaurant was doing three sittings.
That was the start and the end of our Valentine’s Day dating efforts — after that, we stuck to eating-in, welcoming any excuse to cook a nice dinner and open a bottle of wine.
Then, along came kids, and it all changed again. My children start planning Valentine’s Day in early January. They make cards. They look up recipes for heart-shaped cakes. They can’t understand why there isn’t a day off school. I suspect this is partly because it gets them through the cold, dark days, when the glow of Christmas is gone, but evidence of spring is not yet in sight. And commercialised though it might be, I don’t have the heart to dampen their enthusiasm.
So what’s the consensus? Should we be including children in Valentine’s Day celebrations, or is it a time when parents need to claim space for their relationship?
“Whether one chooses to disregard Valentine’s day as a Hallmark holiday or delight in the exchange of flowers and chocolates, there’s no getting away from it,” says Dr Stacey Ball, clinical psychologist at The Insight Centre. “It’s on our televisions, our social media, and even in our children’s crèches and schools. Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love, and extending that to include the whole family can only be a healthy and positive thing. In today’s society, families come in so many different shapes and sizes, it’s important for children to understand that, no matter what their familial or home situation, there is always someone in their life who loves them and who they can express their love for.”
But it’s also time for the grown-ups to look after themselves, she says. “Self-care is vital and often not made a priority for parents. You need to fill your own cup, in order to fill others’. Modelling healthy, self-care relationships also encourages children to do the same. These relationships can be modelled on your marriage, relationship, or, if you’re a lone parent, it can be the self-care relationship you have with yourself.”
And it doesn’t have to mean a night out on February 14, says Dr Ball. “No matter how you do it — be it having a cup of tea together without distraction, going for a walk, going for dinner, watching a film, having a conversation with no phones or distractions — do it, and do it often. You’re making yourself a better parent, ‘filling your cup’ so you’re always ready to fill your child’s cup.”
Eimear Hutchinson, the Cork-based blogger behind TheTwoDarlings.com, feels that February 14 is a time for the grown-ups. “For us, Valentine’s is just a good excuse to get out, go for dinner, and have a few hours to ourselves. When you become parents and have small kids, nights out become a little thin on the ground.”
It’s been a very lazy weekend ❤️ In case you’ve missed it I’ve been doing a ‘tip of the day’ on my #Instastories, todays is a really simple but useful one! I love this picture mainly because I’m blessed in the auld chin department (no Facetune or photoshop for me lol!) but also the little hands....always a pair there requiring attention😆❤️ #parentinghacks #bloggerproblems #letthembelittle
Eimear, who has three daughters, says she wasn’t always a fan of February 14, but this has changed since having children. “I used to hate the consumerism surrounding Valentine’s Day, but now I’m more than happy to hop on the bandwagon and escape for the night. It’s so important for couples to just sit down across the table from each other, without having to rush off to soothe a child or put on a load of washing.”
With creches and schools doing Valentine’s art, it’s not surprising that February 14 evolves into a family event. But it can go too far, says parent blogger, Sinéad Fox (BumblesofRice.com), who has two sons and a daughter.
“I’ve seen cards in the shops for children to give parents on Valentine’s Day, and that’s something I can’t get on board with. We already have Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. I know one dad who buys his small daughters flowers on Valentine’s, which is sweet, but with two sons born first, it wasn’t something we ever adopted, and I don’t think my sons would appreciate if we did now. My conclusion: Keep it low-key and for the adults, with homemade crafts for the kids, and, like any holiday, celebrate with cake!”
Mum-of-four, Kellie Kearney (MyLittleBabog.com) follows her children’s lead, but avoids the consumerism. “I’m neither for or against celebrating Valentine’s for kids; mine will probably pick a couple of the neighbour’s daffodils, make some cards at home, and I’ll make heart-shaped pancakes. As for the adults, I don’t buy into it. So my partner gives me a card and flowers the night before, meaning, ‘I know we don’t do Valentine’s Day, so here are some flowers for no reason at all to get around it’!”
When I took my little break away from Instagram from September to December I was tagged in about ten of these posts but I never did it so I thought why not start a new one. - Here's 10 random facts about me that you may not know: - 1. Kearney is not my birth surname. I changed my surname just before Frankie was born to Kearney as a wedding gift to my step dad, the man who raised me. Frankie and my my two smaller girls also carry his name too (double barrelled) ❤️ 2. I'm a vegetarian who craves meat during pregnancy. I don't eat any kind of meat, chicken or fish unless I'm pregnant. My body craves it up until a couple of months after I give birth too. 3. I have 5 tattoos and would absolutely kill to get half a sleeve done but I haven't got the balls to do it since my last one was so painful. I also have Kayla's name tattooed on my side. That's gonna cause some arguements when the kids get older 🙈 4. My favourite movie of all time is A Little Princess. No matter how many time I watch it I still ugly cry at the end when Sarah screams out 'Papa' 😭 5. Joe was my first love and we were together before I had Kayla for four years, we even went to my debs together. They do say what's meant for you won't pass you. 6. I ate chalk during my pregnancy on Kadie and I may have nibbled on it during my pregnancy on Kenzie too 😳 7. I once wanted to be a drugs crime reporter then my mam sat me down to watch Veronica Guerin and I swiftly changed my mind 😂 8. I'm a hairdresser by trade having trained with Peter Mark for four years BUT i don't miss it much at all. The late nights and Saturdays used to kill me and I'll never return to that profession. 9. I sleep with socks on. 10. And finally, I pretend to be out cold when the kids wake up throughout the night so Joe has to get up and he hasn't a clue 🤣 I've tagged a few of Irish Bloggers if you guys want to play along and share your #10randomsaboutme 📸 @nessalrobinson