Turning 30: Regrets, advice and reflection from those who've hit the milestone
Turning 30 is no big deal until you stop to think of the decade that has just been and ask yourself, ‘How much different is my life now than it was when I turned 20?’ I posed this very question to a number of people across the country in this age bracket with different social backgrounds.
I was blown away with the respondents’ honesty and transparency. I started with myself…
Subconsciously or otherwise, I decided early in this decade that I would, as best I could control, surround myself with happiness.
This unofficial mantra incorporated the people I kept company with, the food I ate, the music I listened to, even the film and TV that I watched.
I only wished to consume the things that satisfied because I loathed the idea of drama in my life.
It sounds logical but the 20/20 of hindsight tells me it was slightly reductive. Yes, I did work very hard, successfully pursued the career I had envisaged, stayed positive in the adversity of the post-college recession, ventured far, achieved a little, and met extraordinary people along the way.
Perhaps, at times, I covered myself in a blanket of protection from unhappiness.
There is nothing wrong with seeking a contented life but your twenties are made for the discomfort zone.
There is plenty of time to rest when you’re elderly; that is the time to tell stories, now is the time to create them and carve your own path en route. Health is everything and those lucky enough to have it in full have an obligation to use it in abundance.
Some days I think that I have done pretty well in life. Other days I think I have done OK, nothing more. The latter is closer to the truth in my grand expectations and it is this feeling that spurs me on most days.
I get the sense that many feel likewise. It is the ultimate personal motivation and challenge. I feel I have been very fortunate and want to do so much more.
Advice to a 19-year-old
I wanted to take this topic around the country. I asked people about their good times and regrets, how their lives changed with each passing year over the last ten and their advice for a 19-year-old today.
It was a deeply personal study conducted by personnel from various work sectors. Some answers varied widely, many were strikingly similar, but all encapsulated the blend of insecurity and confidence of a 20-something. Themes formed but every individual who participated was unique.
The output of each respondent and the undertaking of the study was so substantial that it was impossible to be exhaustive. Everyone had so much to say. Here are the highlights:
“I’ve always thought that your teenage years are mainly concerned with your body’s maturity and the changes that it’s going through. Your twenties are all about your social, mental, and character development”
— Paul, 32, journalist, Dublin.
Regrets, I’ve had a few
“Financially, I would be better off if I hadn’t spent so much money on chasing ‘a good time’”
— George, 31, lawyer/contract manager based in Vancouver.
Money, that is, not saving the little earned when starting off in the workforce, was an issue for many contributors in this study. But many wished they had, in fact, taken more chances.
Dave, a 30-year-old software developer from Dublin, for instance, said: “I always had one eye on graduating (during college) so that I could go travelling. As a result, I didn’t enjoy it and didn’t feel that I got much out of it, academically or socially.”
Many cited the relatively carefree college days and nights as their favourite memories. Other participants, like a 30-year-old doctor, from Donegal but based abroad, wished he had travelled more extensively when in his twenties. But many regrets went deeper, like the stress of choosing the right path at an early adult age.
Josh Tannian, an entrepreneur/personal trainer in Cork, said:
“I’ve been ignorant in the earlier part of these years and it has done nothing but hold me back…
I never realised self-educating would help me build a business, become more conscious, understand myself more emotionally, and help others.
I should have been more open-minded when I was younger.”
Another deep-rooted issue among contributors during the formative part of this decade was the nagging suspicion that the grass was indeed greener elsewhere.
“I spent far too much time comparing myself to others and basing my own success on that.
"I changed careers in my mid-twenties which meant that I was right back to a graduate level salary. I was fixated on that comparison and where I should be at that age,” says Natasha, a customer success manager based in London.
A male trainee primary school teacher from Cork aptly described the pressurised feeling of choosing the right career in your early twenties: “I didn’t know what I wanted to do (in college) so I asked a friend what he was doing. I began that course — business information systems — and after a month my friend had dropped out. I hated the course for four years but I was under pressure at home to finish it.”
Erle Liivak, self-employed fitness professional, says of her biggest regret: “Not working on my passions earlier… It was around my early twenties that I realised I would like to work in a fitness industry although unsure in what capacity.”
The feeling of peer pressure in this decade, less intense but still present, was apparent throughout the study, with one respondent, a 31-year-old health professional living in the capital, saying: “In hindsight, I followed the crowd too much. I thought I had grown out of that during my teenage years but I think I actually regressed in that regard during my twenties.”
Professional vulnerability and social disconnect so often aligned with one’s early twenties was another common theme. Sarah, 31, who is now a mother of a two-year-old and a school administrator, succinctly summed up that false start feeling in the early part of the decade: “I worked far too much in an area I did not enjoy and missed out of a lot in my personal life.”
Good times, bad times
Undoubtedly, your twenties are all about self-development and self-sufficiency. It focuses on the individual. Many respondents lamented the sacrificing of certain relationships and indecision when it came to making important life decisions.
Brendan, a project manager in the tech industry born in Dublin and living in Cork, regretted “allowing distances to grow between myself and the many friends and family that matter very much to me”.
Brian, a financial analyst in Dublin, said:
“It’s inevitable in life that you’ll let certain people down that you shouldn’t and although it’s part of growing up, it’ll always linger as my main regret.”
The world can seem unforgiving when mid-to-late twenties approach but scary steps often yield wonderful results. Success stories were littered throughout this study.
Isabel Bartak-Healy, a radio presenter in Cork said: “Career-wise, I’ve always been very driven. I went from winning a competition with Red FM six years ago to having my own nightly show. It’s something I’m very proud of.”
Yvonne, a nurse in Limerick, acknowledged the shock to the system that the decade can be but reminisced about the highs: “I graduated from my degree in my early twenties, travelled in my mid-twenties, built a house, got engaged, and did my master’s in my late twenties!”
Not all achievements were career-based. The majority of the participants felt rudderless at some point in the last decade — “(at one point) I didn’t have any real goal or ambition. I focused too much on football and I don’t think I had a mentor,” said one media-based director of operations — but all came out the other side after moments of clarity.
Ashling, an enterprise customer service team leader, defines the social process in which we all can relate: “As I’m getting older, I’m getting a lot more secure. I value my time a lot more too so I spend my weekends with friends and family I really care about. I think in my early twenties I might have had a bigger circle of friends but never felt really comfortable around everyone.”
Tadgh Casey, a self-employed architect in Kerry, on his favourite period of his twenties: “Either the start of college or the beginning of work. Both beginnings, meeting new people, and endless possibilities ahead of me… I wanted to be an architect working for myself and, this year, I finally got there.”
This resilience has been necessary over the last decade in Ireland as the impact of the recession was ubiquitous.
One respondent, a 31-year-old project manager in the tech sector, gave a concise review of the state of the nation in 2011:
“Straight after college, there were no jobs, no hope. It was dark and depressing. My parents all went through hard times. My friends left and moved away. Once college ended, reality hit like a truck.
"No one could get work.”
This experience shaped every contributor — not one of the vast number of respondents had it all their way but each eventually discovered their path in life.
Advice to the next breed
So what wisdom would respondents impart on a 19-year-old about to enter this exciting decade?
Isabelle, an account manager based in Dublin, advised:
Don’t take everything too seriously. You will fail but you will get back up.
"You don’t have to know what you want to be in life; try a few things first and have fun doing it.”
Finally, Alanna, a nutrition coach born in Australia but raised in Ireland, said “Don’t stress about things that in the grand scheme of things don’t actually matter.
"Believe in yourself and be yourself.”
Forward thinking
And suddenly, here are we are: The end of this study but the start of a whole new decade where sympathy from others for the mistakes made in the exuberance of youth is diminished but a feeling of control over and confidence in your future has taken its place, ready to assertively guide over the next ten years or so.
I asked every contributor whether they would relive their twenties if given the opportunity. The most common answer? “No”. One interviewee added: “Time to move forward.” Indeed.
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