Cancel culture: Planning for the milestones postponed by coronavirus

Celebrating life's milestones is important. With this new normal, gathering with our friends and families for weddings and Communions isn't possible right now, but with a little planning and positive thinking, there is still lots to look forward to, writes Anna O'Donoghue

Your Communion day and your wedding day are classed as some of the biggest milestones of your life. Some would even go as far as say that they’re the days ‘every little girl/boy dreams of’.

Although society and attitudes continue to change, rites of passage, and how we celebrate them will always be a huge part of Irish culture.

“When you are eight or nine years old, your Communion is the centre of your universe. We can all remember that feeling ourselves,” says Irish Examiner features editor Vickie Maye, as I ask her about her daughter’s upcoming Communion celebrations, due to happen on May 16.

But in compliance with the Government’s recommendations on reduced gatherings due to coronavirus, religious services and celebrations can not take place across the country until further notice.

So, what do you do when the day you’ve been planning for, working towards, and, in the case of a wedding, possibly dreaming about for most of your life is taken away from you?

Lana Ryan 

Lana Ryan in her communion dress.

May was due to be an exciting month for Lana Ryan, as not only was she turning nine on the 22nd, she was supposed to be making her First Holy Communion.

Similar to a lot of families across the country, celebratory plans had been made in the Ryan household well in advance.

Now it’s all on hold.

“My communion and my birthday party are postponed,” Lana says.

“I don’t know when my communion will be now. I hope my dress will still fit me!

“Instead, we will have a little party at home with my three sisters, Mia, Natalie, and Ruby next Saturday, when my communion was supposed to be on.

We can have sweets and I’ll get to pick my own dinner — I think we will order pizza. That would be a big treat.

“I was going to get an iPad, my first ever tablet, with my Communion money, so my mum and dad said they will get me one as I have been waiting so long. All the girls in my class have a tablet now.” Her parents said they tried to prepare her as much as they could in advance so when the cancellation was finally announced, she was very accepting of it.

“She understands why we need to stay apart for a while, to keep her grandparents safe,” her mother Vickie said, before joking: “The iPad has certainly helped to ease the pain.” Lana adds, “I miss all my family and friends, but I am glad that no one I know is sick.

“We are very lucky.”

Norma and Trevor 

Norma O’Brien and Trevor Harty from Tralee, Co. Kerry were due to get married on June 12 in Sneem but due to the crisis, they have since rescheduled to 2021.

Norma O’Brien and Trevor Harty from Tralee, Co Kerry, were due to get married on June 12 in Sneem but due to the crisis, they have since rescheduled to 2021.

Ninety days before their big day Trevor decided to ring their suppliers to inquire about their cancellation policies. That was March 12, the day after the first coronavirus related death in Ireland was confirmed. He then prepared them a slap-up meal, poured two glasses of wine, and started the conversation about the possibility of cancelling their dream wedding.

The same day, Norma returned home from PPE training in Kerry General Hospital, where she works as a nurse in the Palliative Care Unit. Covid-19 had implications on all aspects of their lives.

It was then they decided that preparation was key going forward, because the reality was, that they “didn’t know what the hospital would look like in the future for Norma”.

“We didn’t want our wedding taken out of our hands, so we decided to get all our ducks in a row,” Trevor says.

Two weeks later, when Leo Varakar announced the first set of restrictions, the couple made the final decision to officially cancel their wedding, 77 days before the big day.

A number of the couple’s guests, especially neighbours and family members, would be considered vulnerable which was a huge factor in their decision making.

“Everyone has been amazing in supporting us with our decision and I’ve been so overwhelmed by everyone’s support for us as a couple and for me, as a frontline worker,” says Norma.

When Norma rang her mother to tell her the news she was met with, “sure, isn’t it a great story to tell your kids”, which triggered smiles all around.

The couple have yet to set a new date for 2021, as there is still so much uncertainty around mass gatherings and when they will be able to take place.

The possibility of reducing the numbers of the wedding surfaced but in typical Irish fashion, the couple joked that their immediate family would still be considered a mass gathering:

We’re not sure we will ever have the ‘big weekend-away with all our friends and family’ wedding we dreamt of having.

As a palliative care nurse, Norma sees the first-hand effects death has on a family and talked a little about the devastation the coronavirus has on relatives not being able to be by their loved-one’s side.

“We like to celebrate the day surrounded by all of our loved ones, that’s extremely important to us.” Norma also praises Kerry General Hospital staff in their handling of the Covid-19 crisis and the great support network she has there.

The couple were due to travel to Singapore, Vietnam, and Thailand in October for their honeymoon.

“Norma cried when the wedding was cancelled; I cried when the honeymoon was cancelled,” Trevor says.

“It may be Ventry instead of Vietnam, but we’ll make it happen one day.

“Planning ahead is key, it helps soften the blow. First, aim to see if you can reduce your numbers, then before you make the decision to cancel, contact your suppliers to see what their policies are.

“Also, get online, Zoom with friends, reach out to other couples, friends and family. I’m having a virtual hen this weekend.”

Rachel and Mike 

Rachel McCorkell and Mike Hanning have been living and working in Hong Kong for the past three years and were due to get married in Wicklow on July 21, 2020.

Rachel McCorkell and Mike Hanning have been living and working in Hong Kong for the past three years and were due to get married in Wicklow on July 21, 2020.

As the virus arrived in Hong Kong at the end of January/beginning of February, the couple have had a bit of time to come to terms with the possibility of cancellation but as both countries dealt with the pandemic a lot differently, it was difficult for them to make a final decision.

Rachel, a primary school teacher, explained that school closures are an occurrence in Hong Kong for flu outbreaks so initially, she wasn’t worried about how long it would continue for. It wasn’t until the coronavirus outbreak happened in Europe that they saw an increase in restrictions, such as travel, quarantine measures and social distancing.

I think since the SARS outbreak they are more prepared and understanding of what is needed in order to tackle it. Being overseas, and watching the pandemic unfold a second time back home, gave us a lot of time to think and process the prospect of cancelling our wedding.

The couple’s grandparents were key guests at the wedding and although cocooning regulations have eased a little, this was a major factor in their decision making and having other family members living abroad.

“Mike’s family live in Edinburgh, most of my family live in Tyrone, Donegal and Northern Ireland. Then we have all our guests who would be flying from all areas of the UK, Hong Kong and from all over the world.”

Video calls, emails exchanges with supportive family and friends have made the process a lot less stressful for the couple as “logistically planning and then re-planning this from Hong Kong with the time difference takes time”.

The couple’s suppliers and vendors have been “phenomenal” and thankfully all available on their potential new date in July, 2021. Their advice to couples who have to potentially change their date is to “stay positive”.

“You will still have your magical day, albeit a little later than planned. Just think of that party when it eventually does happen, it’ll be wild.”

Laura and David 

Laura Ferguson and David Craig from Donegal were due to get married in June, 2020 but have rescheduled their date to June 2021.

Laura Ferguson and David Craig from Donegal were due to get married in June, 2020 but have rescheduled their date to June 2021.

As the pandemic unfolded, the couple decided to use the Leaving Certificate as a guideline.

“We thought that if it was to go ahead “by hook or by crook” then surely the wedding could too,” Laura, who works as a secondary school teacher said.

“Then when it was moved, it dawned on us that our wedding would most likely not happen in June.” Initially, the couple hoped to still get married this year and had worked with vendors to pencil in a contingency plan for a date in December but as the Government introduced their Covid-19 phase plan, they changed the date again to June 2021.

“We want people to feel relaxed and be able to enjoy the celebration without being afraid to hug and kiss each other,” Laura said speaking to the Irish Examiner.

We also realise that some people are unfortunately dealing with much more serious issues than re-arranging a wedding so that sharpens everything into focus.

The couple’s family and friends have been a major help in the decision making progress, especially with travel restrictions varying so much and countries at different stages of the pandemic. Some of their guests were due to fly from as far as Australia and the UAE for the big day but everyone has been so understanding.

“David’s mum was highly concerned if the outfit she had bought would be suitable for a winter wedding but once she got past that she was onboard!” Laura joked.

When booking their wedding vendors, the couple choose small, local suppliers within their community, all who have been so accommodating to their date change, which is now June 2021.

“Stay calm and organised,” is the couple’s advice to anyone who may have to make the big cancellation decision in the coming months.

“Sit down and figure out a date that suits both of you first, check with your close family, groomsmen and bridesmaids.

“Then make a list of vendors in order of priority and call or mail them to check availability - they may be able to provisionally hold a date until other vendors respond.” And of course, “Don’t forget, it will be one epic party when it does happen!”

Tips from the expert: 

Cathy O’Shea, Wedding Executive, The Shelbourne, Dublin www.theshelbourne.com

• Try to stay as calm and positive as possible. It is a really hard position to be in however do remember you are not alone and your venue and wedding suppliers should be there to help and assist with postponing your wedding date. We have been working closely with all our couples to find solutions for their new wedding day.
• Make sure to contact your wedding venue and your wedding suppliers as soon as possible, at the same time, to ensure they are all available for potential new dates.
• Confirm the new wedding date to your guests as soon as possible – this will also prevent your guests from bombarding you with questions.
• Limit your time reading social media posts as this can cause more anxiety. Stick to reliable sources for advice, information and guidelines.
• Remember that you are allowed to feel sad and upset that you have had to postpone your wedding day. It is completely natural to feel this way. It is beyond your control and the control of so many.
• Your bridal party are there to help. Do not be afraid to ask them to help find solutions or even for a second opinion, or to help you source something that’s needed for the new date.
• Do something special on your original wedding date. Get dressed up, have a dinner date or set up a virtual celebration with your family and some close friends if restrictions are still in place.
• If you have postponed your wedding from a summer to a winter celebration you will have the new task of deciding on different flowers for your day based on what is in season. Even though it might not be what you originally planned this can also be a lot of fun. Talk to your florist and they will guide and suggest some lovely alternative options.
• You may need to consider a new menu offering and beverages for your new date based on what is in season. Again talk with your wedding venue, they are there to support you and will have great options to choose from.
• Remember that you will have a gorgeous celebration and you now have a little more extra time to enjoy the lead up to the day! Your family and friends will definitely be ready and excited to celebrate your new date and may feel more comfortable and at ease that the date is a little later in the year or the following year.