Ask Audrey... I went to Wales once by mistake and it was like trying to understand a Cavan man with his head in a barrel of water

Hello old stock. Myself and the lads have been pinting away here in Cardiff since Wednesday, Hoggy got so pissed last night he nearly understood what one of the locals was saying. Is it just me or do all the Welsh sound like Danny Healy-Rae with a sinus infection? It’s impossible to chat up their birds when you haven’t a clue what they’re on about, and I can’t see myself getting any love action, standing there nodding away and saying “I had a similar problem on my 40 foot yacht.” (My go-to line in Schull, works a treat.) Is there a translation app I can use?

– Reggie, Blackrock.

I know your pain. I went to Wales once by mistake and it was like trying to understand a Cavan man with his head in a barrel of water. I interrupted the taxi driver and said, sorry now, but I don’t speak Welsh. He said, neither do I, love. (I think.)

C’mere, what’s the story with licking Pringles. I moved in with the old doll after two years and it now emerges that she do be a Pringle licker. You’d be there watching one of the sexy bits of Game of Thrones and suddenly you hear this going on next to you — two licks on one side of the Pringle (Sour Cream and Onion), turn it over, two licks of the other, and then into the gob. Crunch, crunch, next Pringle out, two licks and I do be thinking there must be something wrong with this one. (The old doll, as against the Pringle.) I’m not able for this now like, how can I make her stop?

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

This is a very common problem. My Conor said to me the other night, do you mind if I lick my Pringles? I said, is that what you’re calling them now? #Filthy.

I’m the top social media influencer in Munster, measured by the number of my followers who hate their kids for not being as good looking as mine. Or at least that was until the birth of my number three, live streamed on Facebook to an audience of 10,000 saddos who were dying for a sconce off my designer vagina. The child is four months old now and everyone agrees he’s the bulb off Jacob Rees-Mogg and my top sponsor says if I use him in one of my photo-shoots, I’ll have to hand back my 4x4. Is it fair to drop him from my life just because he looks like a gowl?

– @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo, and no, Jacob Rees-Mogg is not the father.

Vom in the mouth just thinking about it. I passed your question onto the WhatsApp group, Blackrock Women Who Rarely See Their Kids. I said, where do put a plain child in one of your Instagram posts? Out of shot with one of my four nannies, according to Ciara_2019BMW. #SixThumbsUp

My daughter’s group is marching in the Patrick’s Day Parade on Sunday, they’re called Teenage Ballintemple Vegans With Their Own Ponies. Obviously, we’ve slipped the organisers a tip to make sure they’re at least two groups away from anyone involved in the majorettes or amateur dramatics. (Don’t ask me which one is worse.) Unfortunately, there is no proper segregation at these things and there’s every chance we’ll end talking to someone who only lives on a road named after an Irish patriot. #Norryland. Where is the best place to watch the parade if you want to avoid standing next to someone from the lower orders?

– Greta, Ballintemple, my fake fur coat is actually real!

Pity the northsider that ends up standing next to you. (And not just because they’re from the northside.) I said to my Posh Cousin, where is the best place to stand in Cork during the Paddy’s Day Parade? She said, at the island in your 70 grand kitchen saying, who’d like another G&T? (She has an irrational fear of kids who do Taekwon-Do.)

C’mere, Pres are playing Christians in the Munster rugby thing on Sunday and the parking do be mental around here in Ballyphehane for those games. In the spirit of Patrick Day’s friendliness to the nobs of Cork, I normally allow one of them to park their Audi A8 in my driveway. I usually do this for free, it’s worth it for the look on their faces when I say “why don’t you come in for a bowl of drisheen boy”, even though I do be planning a lunch of free-range Eggs Benedict with a side of asparagus. Anyway, my uncle said, don’t be such a langer Paul, them nobs would be glad to pay like. So, how much should I charge?

– Paul, Ballyphehane.

This is one for the Posh Cousin. I said, how much would a member of Posh Cork pay for a parking space near Musgrave Park on Sunday?

She said 10 euro an hour as long as you cover the car with a tarpaulin. I said, in case someone posts a photo on Twitter of your car outside a council house with the caption ‘How the mighty have fallen’? She said, exactly.

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