Ask Audrey: The poor ‘Mam’ collapsed when she saw me, she didn’t realise how much I earn from private patients

Ask Audrey: The poor ‘Mam’ collapsed when she saw me, she didn’t realise how much I earn from private patients

Sorting out Cork people for ages...

Q: C’mere what’s the story with a southsider correcting my grammar?

I met this Model Farm Road Princess (that’s her name on Instagram lah) out on New Year’s Eve, back to her place, smooch, smooch, hands all over the gaff, matter of time before she’s the proud recipient of some Dowcha Donie love.

Anyway, she goes for some getting to know you chat, asks if I saw the aggro in the nightclub, I says I had went to the toilet by then, she says, “it’s I had GONE to the toilet” and showed me the door.

I told my friend who’s doing law about this and he said I do be the victim of being ‘othered’ because of my Norry ethnicity. So, like, can I sue her now for violating my human rights?— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

A: There are a lot of surprises there. For starters, I’m amazed you know someone doing law. (Is he doing it at night, from prison, by any chance?) Secondly, I asked my Posh Cousin about this. She said Norry isn’t an ethnic group. It’s just bad luck.

Q: Hey, it’s Ken here from Douglas Road Doctors with American actors.

I’m seeing this woman even though she’s from Carrigaline, and decided to surprise her by not mentioning how much I earn over the festive season.

That’s just Dr Ken kiddin’ ya now, Iactually had it printed on my Christmas jumper when I went for dinner on the big day in her ‘Mam’s’ house.

The poor ‘Mam’ collapsed when she saw me, she didn’t realise how much I earn from private patients.

I started fanning a piece of paper over her head to bring her around, her husband Con (that’s his actual name) said surely there must be something else you can do Dr Ken, I said not really, I’m a consultant and now they think I’m a fake.

How can I show them that Dr Ken is the real deal?— Dr Ken, Douglas Road, the Mam recovered and is doing well.

A: My neighbour is a nurse in CUH. (Don’t ask me how she can afford Ballinlough.) I said, what’s the best way to show someone you’re a real doctor. She said, wait until they’re not looking before you Google their symptoms. #DrGoogle

Q: So, I’m the leading social media influencer in the western Europe measured by the numbers of times I got married so I could get free flowers from struggling local producers.

#SupportLocal #CorcaighAbu #ItsTheirFaultForBeingSmall.

Anyway, #2020Baby, I just got a social media brand audit there and they recommended that I get behind a campaign because that plays well with the 15-24 crowd who’d believe any old shite.

So they said you need to get behind something you’re really passionate about, so I said I don’t think people will support a campaign to get me a new Audi 4x4, so they said we need another 3 grand to help you further so I hung up.

So, do you know any campaign that would play well with the #SnowFlakeGeneration?

– @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo

A: My 27-year-old niece, Radical Ruth, is all over this area. I said, what really irritates you? She said, leading-edge smartphones. I said, is it the sweatshops or the carbon footprint? She said, no it’s the price, they’re sooooo expensive.

Q: How’re oo’ goin’ on. You might remember I was onto you last week with the story of how I took magic mushrooms on Christmas day, grabbed the mic in 11 o’clock Mass and said deep down we’re all women, and now everyone in Dunmanway is calling me Dan Paddy Mandy.

Well, I am now a designated legend among the local hippies, who have had plenty time to consider the merits of the situation, given that most of them maintain an arm’s length relationship with what you might call a job.

On top of that, I got a phonecall from a producer in Channel 4, who wants to put me in a documentary called Transgender Bog(wo)men on Drugs. I’ve a bad feeling about this to be honest.

Do you think I should say yes?

– Dan Paddy Andy, head north from Dunmanway until you see a man practising his Bafta speech.

A: I’m not the best person to ask here, I rarely say no to anything. My friend Colm has a PR company, it’s called Bad Publicity. #Nice. I told him your story, he said don’t go near it. I said why?

He said, you don’t want the word going around that you’re from Dunmanway.

Q:It’s all guns blazing on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Moms Who Wouldn’t Say it To Your Face. We’ve all agreed not to replace our 192c Range Rovers this January because of polar bears and shit, so we all have 10 grand burning a hole in our pockets, don’t tell the taxman.

Laura_AmazingBoneStructure says we owe it to ourselves to head for Dubai, but Iseult_NewSmeg said no because of the carbon footprint and Dubai is as common as a batter burger.

So like, tell me how we can spend 10 grand ethically without using the word charity?

– Dee, Douglas Road.

A:My neighbour Denise describes herself as an Ethical Spending Consultant. I said, how does it work. She said, you give me 10 grand, I give you a bag for life and buy a luxury yurt for myself in Glengarriff. #ImInTheWrongBusiness.

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