Ask Audrey: Cheltenham - Please gamble responsibly, with your grandmother's life.

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Hello old stock. My company is working from home since yesterday and I’m in complete withdrawal from the old harmless flirting. I have no motivation now that I can’t stroll down to the marketing department and shout, ‘Love the new dress Ulrike, I wouldn’t mind self-isolating with your good self.’ Hoggy suggested a bit of harmless flirting on instant messenger, but I was lost without a visual cue, so I contacted Ulrike on Skype and typed, ‘What are you wearing?’ She never replied – I have a bad feeling about this. Would it help if I sent her some flowers?

- Reggie, Blackrock, all day every day.

My neighbour works in HR because somebody has to do it. I said,what do you think of sending flowers here? She said, as bad ideas go, that’s somewhere between licking a Chinese bat and three days in Cheltenham. #PleaseGambleResponsibly #WithYourGrandmothersLife

It’s getting very heated on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Terrified They Will Have to Look After Their Kids. All the talk about closing the schools is devastating – I haven’t seen this level of doom and gloom since Christians started playing hurling. Lorna_1982Looks28MindYou is going mad she fired their au pair after catching her getting pleasured by her husband Ken on the CCTV. If I don’t snap up this girl as my au pair, one of my so-called friends will take her and I’ll be stuck at home putting on YouTube for my two kids, when I could be at work googling ‘Norry-Free Staycations’. So, how much do I need to offer her?

- Jenni, Douglas Road, please don’t put an ‘e’ at the end of my name, it’s not like I’m from Turner’s Cross.

I asked my Posh Cousin what’s a fair salary. She said, 5 grand a month, people in Posh Cork will do anything to get their hands on an au pair. I said, particularly ones called Ken. She said, hilaire.

C’mere, what’s the story with the Late Late Show going to Limerick? I seen a thing that they cancelled a show there this weekend because of the coronavirus and people were all ‘dat’s a shame’ like, and I was all, it’s not a shame like, it was madness in the first place. Even without a global pandemic, you do never know what you might catch in Limerick. And anyway, it’s just the latest in a long line of kicks in the teeth to Cork. I’m sure snobby people like you know someone who knows Ryan Tubridy, so could you get him a message there and say he’d a be more than welcome in Cork and any chance of a ticket for me and me old doll?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My niece is very well connected in RTE because she speaks a bit of Irish. I said, what’s the best way to get Ireland’s top chat-show host to come to Cork. She said, wait until Graham Norton comes home on holidays, is docha. . #Ouch #RyanBocht

Hello. I’m writing to you on behalf of Sunday’s Well Residents Who Like Having Their Breakfast In The Nip. We’re a group of about 20 people living in giant houses up here, we have our breakfast naked every morning at about 10 o’clock because getting dressed and going out to work is for people who didn’t inherit 40 million when the old lady kicked the bucket. Anyway, it has come to our attention that the Shakey Bridge is being re-installed. This is just the kind of thing that will attract slack-jawed gawpers from the lower orders, who are desperate to get out of their tiny houses. Our worry is that they’ll catch a glimpse of us and be straight on to the radio saying ‘they do be bollocks naked, boy.’ Can you organise a sign to be put up, saying ‘Don’t Disturb the High Net Worth Locals Please’?

- Paul, Sundays Well.

I rang City Hall there and told the receptionist there’s a gang of lazy perverts in Sunday’s Well looking down at the people of Cork. He said, no change there then.

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself fell in with a gang of wellness gurus in Durrus last month and didn’t she place us on a four-week social media and news blackout. Anyway, it was lifted yesterday and I turned on the wireless to hear that there is no toilet paper in the supermarket because of some dodgy bats over in China. Apparently things have gone so drastic there is talk of people using soap back in Drimoleague. The problem for me is that the cousin is coming over from Chicago to see the Patrick’s Day parade in Cork, and the thing cancelled. Herself said I can’t have him hanging around the house because, in fairness to her, he’s a complete blowhole. I’m thinking of bringing him to up to Cork to recreate the Paddy’s day experience. What would you recommend?

- Dan Paddy Andy, head out beyond Dunmanway until you see a man shouting ‘any chance you’d stop saying everything is f**king awesome?’

I phoned the Posh Cousin and said what’s the best way to recreate the Patrick’s Day experience in town. She said stand on the South Mall in the rain shouting ‘I’d never let my daughter join the majorettes’, and then pay a teenager to puke on your shoes. #Real