My girlfriend touches herself, not me
Reciprocity is fundamental to good sex, but to be truly intimate means being able to trust that your sexual needs will be met. Unfortunately, many couples find it easier to have sex than to talk about it, because asking for what you need in bed requires confidence, maturity and the courage to admit vulnerability.
These are qualities that elude the best of us, particularly when we are young and sexually inexperienced. Some people never develop the capacity to be sexually honest with their partners, while others, such as your girlfriend, develop behaviours that ensure orgasm at the expense of intimacy.
Because most women canât climax without sufficient clitoral stimulation â and are often too embarrassed to say that to their partners â somewhere along the line your girlfriend began to compensate for a lack of stimulation by learning to take matters into her own hands. That she stimulates herself means she doesnât, indeed canât, stimulate you, and besides, she probably believes that her performance is a turn-on for you.
Many men find watching a woman arouse herself very sexy, so it is quite probable that previous partners have actively encouraged her to perform in this way. If this is the case she probably believes, wrongly as it happens, that you find her behaviour erotic too.
While explaining that her propensity for self-stimulation leaves you feeling âincidentalâ might seem like the right thing to do in theory; in practice it is likely to leave her feeling humiliated and self-conscious. Because you have never challenged her directly about it, raising the issue after the fact would undermine your entire sexual relationship. Since you donât mind her touching herself some of the time, changing your own behaviour will be a lot easier than trying to curtail hers. So, rather than focus on the specific issue, change the dynamic by proving to her that you can give her all the stimulation she needs.
One of the upsides of watching her arouse herself is that you already have a good idea of the kind of pace and pressure she applies to her own clitoris. Whether you use your fingers, or your tongue, mimicking her movements will show her that you have been paying attention. That she rubs her breasts during her arousal suggests that they are an integral part of her sexual pleasure, too, so make sure to spend plenty of time stimulating them. For many women the nipples are deeply erogenous â and sucking, stroking or squeezing them triggers a kind of whole-body arousal.
Some couples find that penetrative sex is more exciting if the female rubs her clitoris to encourage both preliminary spasms, and orgasm, while her partner is inside her. However, adopting positions that sustain the pressure on the clitoris can achieve the same effect without self-stimulation. The female superior position, where your girlfriend straddles you, leans forward and slides her pelvis down so that her clitoris is rubbing up against the base of your erection, is very effective â and means that she does the work at her own pace. If she lies in a slighly transverse position at about 30 degrees, so that she straddles just one of your legs, she can increase the sensation. Another option is the coital alignment technique, which takes a bit of getting used to, but is also very useful. Itâs a bit like the missionary position but she wraps her legs around yours and you pull yourself up higher over her body so that the base of your erection is pressed against her clitoris. The idea is that you both thrust together in a rocking motion, keeping your pubic bones tight together and providing her with additional clitoral stimulation.
If she is up for it, exploring a little mild bondage together will actively prevent her from using her hands. Either gently hold her wrists or use a pair of nylon tights as restraints while you work your magic all the way down her body. Pay special attention to erogenous zones and bring her to orgasm without penetration so that she understands that her pleasure is the only goal. Use in particular your tongue, your fingers and your words to tantalise and tease her until she achieves orgasm â particularly using the pace and techniques that, by watching her, you have learnt that she loves.
