Good manners are an uncommon courtesy

While the notion of being a lady or a gentleman can seem more Downton Abbey than 2015 Ireland, Caroline Allen says that good manners are the true mark of character and are sadly rare

IN this era of over-sharing — naked selfies, binge-drinking, sex tapes, social-media stalking and trolling and expletive-strewn conversations — being a lady or gentleman seems outdated.

However, abiding by rules of etiquette, be it on the sports field or when socialising, will set us apart in a competitive world, says Ursula Stokes, who lectures on deportment and grooming (Ursula Stokes Agency, Limerick; www.ursulastokes.com)

While many of us have been left speechless by boorish behaviour, impeccable manners mean everything, says the 2010 Rose Escort of the Year, Robbie Costelloe.

RELATED: Minding your manners in the digital era

His other tips for gentlemanly behaviour include only telling jokes if you can; being well-turned out; and being a good listener.

The concepts of a lady and gentleman are neither relics of the past nor class-ridden, says Tina Koumarianos, of Party & Whine (partyandwhine.com), which offers etiquette advice. She says the Duchess of Cambridge is the epitome of a modern lady.

“Much like Diana, her mother-in-law before her, she has a wonderfully natural way with people.”

SOCIAL GRACES

Kate shows kindness and respect, no matter what people’s standing, says Tina. “Her exemplary etiquette, down-to-earth manner and gentle aura are a pleasure for all to behold”. In Tinsel Town, TV chat-show host, Ellen De Generes, is known for her thoughtfulness and generosity to others, and is a stickler for good manners, Tina says.

When asked what makes a gentleman, Tina says it is the same thing since William Horman, headmaster of Eton and Winchester back in Tudor times, uttered the immortal words, ‘Manners maketh man’.

A gentleman, Tina says, isn’t arrogant or self-absorbed and doesn’t blow his own trumpet.

“Everyone is a human-being in their own right and, therefore, has a right to be different and to voice their own opinion. The arrogant person insists the world lives life under their umbrella — no-one else’s opinion matters. How very dull; how very rude.”

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PARTYING

A true gent would not get drunk, Tina says. “Drunken people are a nuisance and, more often than not, lacking in basic manners. Yes, they can be very mellow and loving in their drunken state, but never knowing when that lurch is going to change the colour of your outfit can be somewhat disconcerting.”

For ladies, it’s the same. “You can slap on as much make-up and perfume as you like and wear all the top-of-the-range designer clothes, but, if you’re bad-mannered and ignorant, you have lost it all. You simply look like a pig in silk knickers,” Tina says.

“A lady can be really great fun without being dull. It’s all a matter of knowing when to call a halt to all things involving too much drink, parts of their anatomy and a bitchy tongue.

“How often have we seen a vision of loveliness leave her home for an evening on the town, only to have a dishevelled heap return with the dawn, oblivious to her surroundings, never mind her manners? This overall look is not attractive.”

Without manners, we’re nothing, says Tina, for whom a single slip, such as not holding the door open or failing to thank someone for holding it open, is unforgivable.

Actor Matt Damon is known to treat everyone with respect, no matter what their social standing.

Matt Damon is the perfect gentleman. “Not blinded by the glitz and glamour of Hollywood, he’s one of the top names associated with generosity and kindness when dealing with his fellow man.

“He’s well-known for his hard work with charities and always shows his appreciation for those who come into contact with him, whether in the service industry or in films — the sign of a true gentleman.”

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MANNERS IN THE WORKPLACE

Modern-day ladies and gentlemen have to earn a crust. The mark of a well-mannered co-worker is putting themselves in the other person’s place when problems arise and then helping out.

“A well-mannered co-worker will care about a pleasant atmosphere in the office, always taking into account their workmates’ goals and failures and being on hand for both the good days and the bad.”

DRESSCODE

Dressing inappropriately, whether at work or on an evening out, can be embarrassing for colleagues and friends. Tina’s advice is to know your audience and dress to suit the occasion.

“Everyone admires a beautifully turned-out, stylishly dressed lady or gentleman. A true lady or gentleman would think of their companions and take into account the old saying ‘Show me your friends and I’ll tell you what you are.’ Your friends may not want to be tarred with the same brush.”

Poor table manners are a no-no. “Eating with your mouth open or starting to eat before your companion — unless you’re invited to — is unacceptable, Tina says.

“Failing to check that your partner has all she or he requires is all very off-putting,” Tina says. “From the very earliest age, it’s so very important to teach a child good table manners. Parents must remember the restaurant they visit is not a creche. Their fellow diners are spending hard-earned cash to enjoy a good meal and not to have the experience ruined by your marauding little darling.”

Good manners are about having respect for yourself and others, says Tina.

”Being disrespectful to people who are serving you is also a real sign of bad manners. After all, they are doing a job just like yourself, just in a different industry, and deserve your respect. Remember, what goes around comes around, so if you’re going to be rude, examine your food.”

Basic good manners require putting the other person before yourself at all times, looking after their needs, and making sure they’re comfortable in your company.

“It’s waving someone into the traffic and, should a driver be mannerly enough to wave you in, ensuring you thank them with your crash flash. It should come naturally, but for what seems like 70% of the population it’s unchartered water. Their God-given right to come first and never question why they, who have no manners, should {have manners}.”

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TECHNOLOGY

Text-speak and email have also given rise to courtesy concerns. Lorna Sixsmith, of We Teach Social, says that if a person has good manners that will be communicated whether they’re sending letters, text messages, Facebook updates or emails.

However, because of the volume of our messages we tend to become complacent, not always realising that our speed might be misconstrued as bad manners, Lorna says. One of her bugbears is the absence of a salutation in an email.

“Not using ‘hello’ or ‘hi’ can feel like an admonishment rather than a greeting.”

Trolling is the worst example of bad manners, Lorna says. “This is when people think it is perfectly acceptable to hound another person on Facebook or Twitter, and to include their username in tweets where they verbally abuse the person in some way.

“Most of these people would never say such things in public, face-to-face, so why say them online? The old adage of ‘If you can’t say anything nice, say nothing’ would work well here.”

Sending bad news by email or social media is poor etiquette.

“Breaking up with someone by text is the obvious example, but imparting bad news, such as sudden deaths or serious illness, by email or on social media, doesn’t seem right.”

Lorna is against excessive posting; bragging; ranting or venting on social media; and picking fights on Twitter. Bad language is unbecoming, and couples who communicate through social media need to tread carefully, she says.

Where we’re becoming increasingly rude is in overuse of mobile phones, Lorna says. “People almost feel as if they’re missing a limb if they leave their phone behind, but there’s no need to check it every five minutes. Because our phones contain so much functionality, it’s very easy to feel we’re being communicative when Tweeting, checking Facebook updates or posting photos on Instagram.

“Checking on responses to Facebook updates or Tweets, while chatting to other people, is really sending the message ‘you’re not interesting enough’, but most of us do it at one time or another,” Lorna says.

“Some groups of friends have a rule that the first person to pick up their phone on a night out has to pay the bill. Having a ‘no phone’ rule at meal-times at home can be a means to communicating the message — especially to teenagers — that there’s a time and a place for using phones,” says Lorna. Etiquette, Ursula says, can wrongly be associated with snobbery.

Good manners will never go out of fashion, she says.

What marks out a modern lady or gent?

Gentleman:

Doesn’t drink to the point of stupidity or boorishness

Doesn’t blow his own trumpet; isn’t arrogant.

Only stands up to tell a joke if he can.

Listens to others.

Lady:

Shows respect and kindness to all those around her; is not a snob.

Will make people around her feel relaxed.

Does not bitch.

Knows when to stop drinking.

Knows how to have fun without alcohol.

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