Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Guten Tag. I am in Cork for three months and see that everyone is watching the Rugby World Cup. Can you explain the rules? – Karl, Berlin

Here is my understanding of how it works. The fat guys all run into each other, while the slightly slimmer guys stand in a line watching them. Eventually the fat guys get tired and have a lie down on top of each other. The ball comes out the back of this lie down and the skinnier guys kick it back and forward to each other for half an hour. Then the fat guys wake up and start running into each other again. Every now and again the referee stops play because someone dropped the ball. That’s the only thing you are not allowed to do in rugby. Everything else would appear to be okay. Sometimes one group of fat guys pushes the other group over the line and there is some manly hugging, but no shifting like in soccer. After 80 minutes they add up the score and New Zealand wins.

Hey. My girlfriends and I are flying in to Cork from London for a hen party this weekend. (We thought it would be fun to slum it for a few days.) What can you tell us about men in Cork? – Tashki, Chelsea (the posh bit, none of your Made in Chelsea vulgarity here.)

I could tell you all sorts of things about men in Cork. I won’t write them here because I know my husband reads this column. (Don’t forget to put out the bins, love.) You’ll find men from all over the world in Cork. Quite a few of them have hardly any English at all and tend to communicate with whistles and hand signals. They are known locally as Kerrymen. One thing for certain is you’ll get a welcome here on Leeside. It’s a well-established fact that Cork men will go to incredible lengths to get their hands on posh totty. Even if it means listening to a whining blow-hole like yourself.

I’m planning to buy what we’ll call a sex toy online. I don’t want it delivered to the door because our postman is a bit too familiar as it is. Would you recommend I use one of those outdoor parcel pick-up services advertised on the radio? – Laura, Sundays Well

I would not. Picking a parcel up at one of those yokes is a complete no-no. You might as well wear a T-shirt saying ‘I’m up to all sorts behind closed doors.’ It’s given me a new pastime. I park near to one of the parcel pick-ups and wait for a client to arrive. You should see the look of terror when I shout “go on you dirty perv” out the window at them. I’m not the only one taking part in this new thing called Perv-Shouting. It can be hard to get a parking near the one in Mahon Point. It’s a great way to spend a few hours.

Hola. I am travelling to Cork next week to start studying in UCC. Is it possible to be friends with an Irish boy without him wanting to sleep with me? – Maria, Barcelona

Not really. Particularly if you look like Penelope Cruz and he’s after a few cans of Der Student Special from Lidl. (I hear that after five cans, almost everyone looks like Penelope Cruz.) There is one exception. That’s if you are one of those Spanish women who has gone small and stooped prematurely, rather than waiting until she is 50. In that case, you’ll have no end of Irish lads looking to be your best friend. That’s because you fit into every Irish man’s dream category — Someone I won’t try and shift after five pints who happens to have a hot friend from Valencia. I’m not sure if you fit into this category. Send in a photo and I’ll let you know.

Top of the begorrah to ya. Meself and the good lady are visitin’ the auld sod next week. We’ll be spendin’ a few days in your fair city and I was wondering what is the best way to get someone’s attention in Cork? – Hank MagillaMurphy III,Chicago

You could always try stand on Oliver Plunkett Street and shout “this place isn’t a patch on Dublin or Galway.” That’s an excellent way to get attention in Cork. Medical attention, so make sure your insurance will cover it before you travel. The correct way to get attention in Cork is with the phrase ‘C’mere’. This can be lengthened to Come Here to Me if you are talking to someone with delusions of grandeur from Bishopstown. (As if there’s any other kind of person in Bishopstown.) The exception is when you are in a restaurant, when c’mere

is replaced by Sorry! Don’t get this wrong. German visitor said ‘excuse me’ to a waitress in a restaurant on McCurtain Street back in 1987. He’s still waiting for the bill.

How rugby works ... sometimes one group of fat guys pushes the other group over the line and there is some manly hugging, but no shifting like in soccer