Oops! We all made a boob. The Sun has not covered up its anachronistic ‘page three’

BOOBS out of The Sun! Boobs out for The Sun! Crikey, make up your mind, Rupert.

Do I consign my ‘No More Page Three’ t-shirt to the back of the wardrobe, or wear it to display my allegience with the rest of the joyless, jealous, fat, ugly feminist fanatics?

(Those are the The Sun’s words to describe mainstream female politicians opposed to ‘page three’).

First, Rupert ponders on Twitter if ‘page three’ might not be a tiny bit, you know, old-fashioned, like mother-in-law jokes or blacking-up, or the use of the word ‘poof’ in tabloid headlines. After all, 215,000 people have been signing that ‘No More Page Three’ petition.

The t-shirt has been worn in Parliament. Could ‘page three’, instead of being a harmless bit of fun to brighten your British breakfast be an anachronistic, outmoded piece of 1970s misogyny that, like a particularly stubborn stain, remains visible after 44 years?

Could the British Sun be following the lead of the Irish Sun, which covered up its boobs in 2013, citing “cultural differences”?

Maybe. All of a sudden, ‘page three’ was gone. Hurrah, trilled the fat, ugly, joyless, jealous, feminist fanatics.

At last! No more sexualised nipples as ‘family newspaper’ entertainment, as breastfeeding nipples are ordered to cover up.

No more nipples, standing around attached to a young woman in her knickers. After 44 years and a nipple count of 32,000, it’s finally goodbye nipples, goodbye! And a big hello to women being represented as human bei…….…….no, sorry, I’ll have to stop myself there.

My mistake. And the mistake of every other print, digital and broadcast media outlet. The nipples are back. It was all a cunning stunt to wind up the jealous, joyless, fat uglies like myself.

Gosh, how you must have laughed, you wags at the Sun editorial. Gotcha!

Here is what they wrote last Thursday, upon the return of the nipples: “Further to recent reports in all other media outlets, we would like to clarify that this is ‘page three’ and this is a picture of Nicole, 22, from Bournemouth.

We would like to apologise on behalf of the print and broadcast journalists who have spent the last two days talking and writing about us.”

It was, says The Sun, a “mammery lapse”. Hilarious. “Threedom!” shouted the right-wing Guido Fawkes blog.

“Thin-lipped puritans as bigoted as the last ones,” said someone who sounds frankly adorable. “How nice to see these fanatics slapped down and put in their place.” Oooooh, how butch. Boyfriend material, definitely. Call me.

And this. “Why is it perfectly acceptable for Loony Lefties to bare your [sic] boobs in public to breastfeed, but showing off boobs on ‘page three’ is offensive?” asks someone called Shazza.

It’s not often that the sentiments of a fellow woman — Margaret Thatcher and Katie Hopkins aside — render speechlessness, but congratulations, Shazza, whoever you are.

This particular fat, ugly, joyless, jealous, feminist fanatic is lost for words. Nice one, sister.