TERRACE TALK: Man United - We’re worse finishers than Hillary Clinton
Recent shock polls indicate the eventual winner may well up end merely competing for FIFTH place in May and, as a United fan, that certainly rings familiar.
Indeed, examining the league table this morning, you could well argue that City and United may be heading for nothing better than a bout of two bald men fighting over a comb come May, as we linger spluttering in 5th and 6th place respectively.
So much, then, for the pundits’ confident August predictions of a Pep v José Smackdown for the title.
And so much, too, for the much-ballyhooed annual Deloitte’s league, which last week singled out the two Manchester clubs for their historic achievements in the field of financial turnover generation.
Whoop-de-doo: is there a trophy and an open-top bus parade for that, then? Not much point being the World’s Richest Club if you can’t win a title for years on end.
Failure thus far to fully translate hard cash into solid points is parallelled, in United’s case, by an epic failure to turn shots into goals.
Saturday at Stoke provided a classic example of something highlighted earlier in the week by the Daily Mail, who had published a league table showing United plumb bottom when it comes to converting goalscoring opportunities. We’re worse finishers than Hillary Clinton.
Not that finishing was the only shortfall at Stoke, admittedly. Several players chose Saturday to produce stinkers, with Chris Smalling (unsurprisingly) and Juan Mata (surprisingly, and distressingly) the chief culprits.
For once, Wayne Rooney wasn’t the worst player on the pitch - although he was still merely mediocre - and he duly embellished that achievement with the long-awaited hoopla goal, struck in superb Roy of the Rovers match-saving fashion.
Sir Bobby Charlton was honest enough to admit he was disappointed to lose the record, and he would surely have been surprised had he realised how many United fans shared his disappointment.
The ‘2010 faction’, who cast Rooney from their hearts when he appeared to try to force a move, had been hoping he’d be on his way to China or the States before he got to the 250 mark.
I belong to what I suspect is the majority: those who don’t give a monkeys about goal and appearance records anyway. (Especially those aggravatingly prefixed ‘Premier League’, as though football began in 1992.)
They are just a form of player stats, after all, and we all know what right-minded football fans think of that devil-ridden number-crunchery.
Thanks to Rooney - not a phrase you often see anymore - United fans had enjoyed yet another last gasp goon, and yet again the surprising results of our most hated rivals cast a sunnier hue over the weekend’s events than you’d have expected after a United draw.
We fancied we could hear another synapse snapping in Pep’s head; we certainly saw Klopp endangering his extraordinarily Germanic teeth with some frustrated frenzied grinding.
“But what about Chelsea, Arsenal and Tottenham?” some innocents may ask. Every reading Red should know the sound answer to that. As long as Liverpool and City get nowhere further along history’s trophy trail, I could happily see Arsenal win the League, the Cup and the Eurovision sodding Song Contest, if necessary.
Two appointments with competitions we can actually win this year now follow, against supposedly eminently beatable opposition in Hull and Wigan.
Now that the 250th pressure is off, might Rooney even enjoy an Indian Summer in these types of cup games for which he is likelier to be selected?
And a nice Wembley bauble to see him on his way come the summer?
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