Maurice Shanahan opens up on darkest hour in battle with depression

Waterford All Star Maurice Shanahan gave an emotional interview to WLR FM yesterday about his battle with depression and his attempted suicide. This is an edited transcript from the discussion...

Maurice Shanahan:

“I started suffering from depression around a year ago. It just built up inside me; I had a lot of injuries and I wasn’t playing hurling the way I wanted to play hurling. I started to lock myself away from everyone. I would go to work and the minute I went home, I would go into my room and I wasn’t eating dinner or anything. I could be in my room from five in the evening until I woke up for work again the following morning.

“My family would have tried to get me out and about and a lot of friends from Lismore would have called. I wasn’t interested in them and I had many rows with them. They were only trying to help me but I didn’t see that I needed help.”

Kevin Casey:

“How bad did it get?”

MS:

“It got really bad Kevin, people probably know that I tried to commit suicide. That’s not an easy thing to say but it was just something that came over me that I wanted to end my life. Anyone that does commit suicide, they don’t do it to escape. When I went to do my part, I actually thought I was doing my parents and my family a favour. I certainly wasn’t doing that but at the time, I thought I was.”

KC:

“When you said you couldn’t see a way out and thinking of ending your own life, was it something you thought about for a few days? Talk to me about when you woke up in the hospital.”

MS:

“I don’t remember much about doing it but I did think about it for a long time. I got home one Sunday evening and I took an overdose. I texted my sister, after taking it, around an hour later looking for help. I actually texted her because I thought by the time it would have come that I would have been gone. I didn’t want my parents walking in. I wanted her to come in and see it first. It would have been hard on her because she was away doing something that night. It was unbelievable what I put her through.

“I remember waking up in the bed in Waterford on the Monday and I told my mother and father that I was wish I was dead. That went on for another week or two weeks after that. One evening I was sitting inside in my kitchen and family and friends were there and I told them that, no matter what, I won’t be here in two weeks’ time. My father was battling through cancer and it was really hard on him. My mother was after losing weight and they didn’t want to leave me out of their sights. They took the car keys off me and everything. I’m grateful that they done everything for me because if they left me off, I mightn’t be here now to tell the story.”

KC:

“When did you see the first ray of light or did it take a while because you still had that black outlook for the best part of two or three weeks?”

MS:

“When I left the hospital, I still had the thoughts in my head. I attempted it after the time I left the hospital as well. One evening I went for a walk and the whole of Lismore were out looking for me and they found me in time.

“That evening I went home, after the second time, I could see the way my parents were. They were distraught. Dan locked me into the shed and he said stuff that really hit home. If I do what I was attempting to do he said ‘you’re not just going to kill yourself, you’re going to kill your parents and kill me’. It wasn’t nice to be listening to that from your own brother and the tears flowing out of his eyes.

“The GPA got involved with Conor Cusack and I went away for three or four days. When I was away, the counselling I was getting was unbelievable. I went to counselling every Wednesday for two or three months. I could really see myself coming on.”

KC:

“At that stage, Maurice, the hurling was secondary, it was about getting yourself better, and the county scene didn’t really feature for the remainder of the summer.”

MS:

“The lads drew with Cork and I was rushed back into it. I went back training but my head wasn’t right. I could be crying in the car going down the road on my own. Two weeks later, I texted Derek and I said that it wasn’t for me. Dan wasn’t happy with the decision. When I was growing up, all I wanted to do was play with my club and county. For him to see that I didn’t want to do that, he knew that I was in trouble.

“I stopped even going club training. Sean Prendergast was Lismore manager and the principal at Bunscoil Bhothar na Naomh. I could hear the bell ringing at five past three and Sean was over at the house at quarter past. It wasn’t to get up to the hurling field, Sean just wanted the best for me. Sean was over at my house every day for two weeks. He brought over two bottles of water to try and get my energy back.

“I really appreciate what that man done for me. Leading up to a club match against Roanmore, a match Lismore had to win, I wasn’t going playing. On the Thursday night, Lismore had their last training session and I never went up to the field. Dan came home with Mattie Prendergast, a selector with Sean. Dan read out what the lads said up in the field and that hit home. When Mattie left that night, I told him that I would be there on Saturday evening.

“We were nine or 10 points up at half time and Roanmore brought it back level and we got a free 60 yards out. One of the lads turned around and said ‘this is not a bother to you after what you’ve been through’. The ball went over the bar and we won the match. I said a few words after that match and thanked every one of the Lismore players. It got me back hurling and out of the rut I was in.

“There was talk about whether Derek would ask me back for the Wexford game and, to be honest, I was glad he didn’t. I went down to watch Waterford in Nowlan Park and it broke my heart, up in the terrace. When I was travelling home in the car I got a text off Derek, an hour after the match, saying: ‘We need you back next year.’ That meant so much.”

KC:

“Was there ever a sense in your own head for the last couple of years that you had to deal with being in the shadow of Dan?”

MS:

“When I started off with Waterford, I was always known as Dan’s younger brother. That put me under a bit of pressure because Dan achieved everything. The only thing he doesn’t have is an All-Ireland medal. I remember going home from matches, in my first, second and third year with Waterford, thinking maybe I’m not as good as people think. Maybe I’m just a good club hurler. There are players fantastic club hurlers and when they go to inter-county, it’s a different level and they don’t adapt. I thought that for a time.”

KC:

“I heard you say the goal against Cork was a really important day for you. Was that a moment where you felt that everything was coming together?”

MS:

“Going into the Munster semi-final against Cork, I felt unstoppable. I would be a nervous kind of guy but I wasn’t as nervous as other years. I missed the first free and I went back in, saying ‘bring back Paudie fairly fast’. I got the next one and my confidence grew again. Going into the week of the Cork game, I was looking at Dan’s goals on the TV at home. The one that he got in Croke Park against Cork, it brought back memories of that. When I hit it, I thought that I was Dan for a minute. I just saw the ball rattling the net and the emotion came out of me.”

Transcript: Tomás McCarthy