Friday, January 29, 2010
FIRST things first. The next time Munster play Northampton, in the Heineken Cup quarter-finals, there better not be fog.
When your columnist rocked up to the Dock Road after last Friday night’s Heineken Cup game to collect his car, cold and hungry, he was confronted by an eerie scene: streets utterly deserted, stretching away into a misty nothingness, the kind of dense pea-souper that would have given Sherlock Holmes pause even if Professor Moriarty was known to be around the corner, his wrists turned out for the handcuffs.
The ghostly streets were also utterly deserted, which gave the entire experience a touch of the 28 Days Later, though thankfully no blood-crazed zombies erupted into our company (they were all stuck in the bends outside Buttevant. Only joking, they diverted around Doneraile and escaped).
Later in the evening, when we were crawling towards Mallow ourselves, and trying not to listen to the siren call of the two fast food joints in that garage on the Limerick side of the town, we mused on the most marked differences between 2009 and 2010.
1. With rugby in mind, it’s the first time in 60 years that Ireland go into a Six Nations as Grand Slam champions.
Leaving aside matters tactical, like the continuing reliance on John Hayes, or the effect that Luke Fitzgerald’s absence is likely to have on Ireland’s attacking options, the burning question for us was this: can ‘Sexto’ really be Jonathan Sexton’s nickname? Can an alternative be found, and found quickly?
2. Having no player strikes in Cork has an immediate and beneficial effect on this columnist’s life, for which we thank 2010.
Our romantic Valentine’s dinner in 2009 was interrupted ahead of the tiramisu by two senior Cork players who wished to speak to the media (and who parked outside the restaurant).
OUR romantic Valentine’s dinner in 2008 was interrupted ahead of the After Eights by a summons to hear the thoughts of Kieran Mulvey as he tried to resolve that year’s dispute.
This year we are not, repeat not, heading to Limerick for any update on the situation there if a high-sugar-content confection is on the table.
3. There’s a World Cup this year. You knew that, obviously, but have you picked your team?
Clearly France are not an option, but in this particular corner we will be singing the Paraguayan national anthem this summer.
Ever since we read At The Tomb Of The Inflatable Pig (Travels Through Paraguay) by John Gimlette we have nurtured a fondness for the country, haunt of Irishwoman Eliza Lynch in the nineteenth century, who got her boyfriend – then Paraguayan ruler – to declare war on Brazil, Uruguay and Argentina simultaneously.
After the war 90% of the Paraguayan male population was dead. How can you not love a country like that?
All together now: A los pueblos de América infausto, tres centurias un cetro oprimió...
4. If you are in the market for soap operas which don’t relate to your own life, consider the ongoing Tiger Woods hilarity (is he in a sex addiction clinic, is he not, is that decaffeinated coffee in his cup?).
The development of the week? The kindergarten attended by one of Woods’ children has had to hire a policeman to keep the kids in the school safe from media hordes nearby (long-standing convention demands we term said hordes a ‘circus’).
We even know how much the policeman charges: $35 per hour. Truly Tiger is the news gift that keeps on giving.
5. But the big improvement this year is the invention which is going to fight off this column’s cold and hunger at the next Heineken Cup game.
Try the gallery at supersizedmeals.com/food for the bacon beer mug, a mug for beer made from . . . bacon.
Welcome 2010; thank you for making all my dreams come true.
* michael.moynihan@examiner.ieTwitter: MikeMoynihanEx
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