I foresee poll bashing for Cowen as Harrington completes Paddy Slam

By Fergus Finlay

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

EACH year at this time, a small but select band of us gathers around ancient fires in a hidden part of the forest.

We have come together in our secret conclave to boil up all sorts of unmentionable objects in a huge tureen and to peer at the entrails so we can accurately predict what the future holds for you.

Last year we forecast that the PDs would go out of business after electing a leader whose name no one could remember. We predicted too that Bertie Ahern would call it a day just in time for Brian Cowen to face the Lisbon Treaty on his own.

In one of our most dramatic revelations, we said that a moment would arise in 2008 when Finian McGrath would vote against the Government. And we predicted Munster would win the Heineken Cup and that Pádraig Harrington would add to his tally of majors (we didn’t quite get the right major, but no matter).

Now we’re not going to say which of our other predictions also didn’t quite work out as we suggested — after all, who is to say the other great seer, Nostradamus, was ever wrong? Is it not much more likely the clues and suggestions he offered were merely misinterpreted by the common masses?

So remember, as you read the following foretellings of the future, that these predictions were entirely correct, as the political correspondents of modern times might say, when they were written.

JANUARY

In his new year message the Taoiseach says he has great confidence in the economic parameters going forward, despite negative international factors influencing matters beyond our control. He calls for a period of stability and promises appropriate fiscal measures. When asked what all this jargon means, his spokesperson says the Government has decided that a mini-budget will be necessary.

FEBRUARY

The Government does a major U-turn on the mini-budget after tens of thousands of mothers take to the streets. The Finance Minister — now nicknamed ‘Pharaoh Lenihan’ — admits the decision to remove child benefit from every first-born child may have been misjudged. He is overheard on an open Dáil microphone referring to the opposition as "a plague of effing locusts".

MARCH

One of Ireland’s leading Catholic bishops refuses to resign after being found in bed with his bank manager. He announces to his shocked congregation that he is determined to implement wide-ranging reforms so that this sort of thing never happens again. The bank manager however is forced to resign over the scandal and is awarded a massive retirement gratuity.

APRIL

The attention of the sporting world switches to Augusta, Georgia, in the first week, when Pádraig Harrington completes the third leg of the so-called Paddy Slam by winning the US Masters. The Taoiseach, in a congratulatory message, says he has great confidence in Harrington’s career parameters going forward, and announces a windfall 60% tax on professional golfers’ winnings.

MAY

Opinion polls predict a disaster for the Government in local and European elections. The Tánaiste announces thousands of new jobs and a major manufacturing plant in each European constituency. When asked to identify any of the foreign companies who will be establishing these jobs, she says she is not at liberty to reveal their identities "at this moment in time".

JUNE

After the Government receives a terrible drubbing in the local elections, and loses all its European seats, there are rumours of a heave against the Taoiseach. Ministers are said to be deeply anxious that the Government’s stability will be fatally undermined — one minister is quoted as saying "a general election? Sure I’d never see the inside of a Merc again!"

JULY

Instead of an election, the Dáil opts for a three-month recess after an assertive speech by the Taoiseach in which he says he has no intention of quitting. Furthermore, he says he will take on any opponent, in Fianna Fáil or the opposition, because he has every confidence in his own political parameters going forward.

AUGUST

The Dáil is recalled for an emergency budget. It is announced that all charter flights to Tenerife, Majorca and the Costa Blanca are cancelled and Dubliners will have to take their package holidays instead in Ballybunion, Skibbereen, Bundoran or Bray. Appealing for patriotism, the Taoiseach insists there will be no backing down on the compulsory home holidays initiative this time.

SEPTEMBER

The Government backs down on its compulsory home holidays plan. The Taoiseach admits he hadn’t anticipated the reaction of the people of west Cork to the influx of Dublin northsiders. He acknowledges it is unfair to expect Cork people to cope with visitors who don’t drink gin and tonic, own their own yacht and speak with Dublin 4 accents.

OCTOBER

After a barnstorming campaign by the Taoiseach, the Lisbon Treaty is carried by a narrow margin. In his victory speech he declares total confidence in the European parameters going forward. Libertas leader Declan Ganley, who had campaigned against the democratic travesty of holding a second referendum, demanded a third one "to settle the issue once and for all".

NOVEMBER

The Government brings forward the annual budget after it is revealed no income at all had been derived from the new home holiday tax. The Government admits it forgot to announce the tax when home holidays were made compulsory and no collection arrangements had been put in place. "There’ll be no rowing back this time," the Minister for Finance announces.

DECEMBER

The Taoiseach announces a Government of national unity. However, he is not proposing to include the opposition since "they’re nothing but a crowd of effers," as a Government spokesperson explains. Instead, Bono is to be Minister for Justice, George Lee Minister for Finance and Twink has been put in charge of the Arts and Culture. The Taoiseach says if this doesn’t work, there may be nothing for it but to sell the country to the highest bidder. The President of Zimbabwe is believed to have expressed an interest.

Whether predictions come true or not, let’s each make a small new year’s resolution to try to look out for someone — a friend, a neighbour, even a stranger — now and again next year. We’re going to need all the help we can get and the more we give, the more we’re likely to get back in return.

It will be good for all our parameters — going forward, of course!

This appeared in the printed version of the Irish Examiner Tuesday, December 30, 2008