Sex advice with Suzi Godson: Lack of intimacy can become a toxic problem

Sex advice columnist Suzi Godson suggests couples can get beyond a little tiredness between the sheets.

QUESTION: My wife and I are in our late 40s and we worry that all our friends are having more sex than us. We can go for three or four weeks without feeling the inclination, and then both make a conscious effort to have sex rather than it coming from desire. Is this a worry for our marriage?

ANSWER: If you and your wife are still having satisfying sex, don’t get too hung up on how often you have it. We tend to overestimate how much sex other people have, but the latest figures from the British National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal) show that men aged 25 to 34 have sex an average of 5.4 times a month, compared with an average of 4.1 times a month for men aged 35 to 54.

The benchmark for a “sexless” marriage is sex less than ten times a year, but I don’t think that figure is particularly helpful, because lots of couples have fantastic sex once every six weeks or so, and they are completely happy.

Sexual frequency is really important only when it is observed through the prism of marital dissatisfaction. We know that unhappy couples don’t have sex, but we don’t know whether they are unhappy because they don’t have sex, or whether they are not having sex because they are already unhappy.

Of course it is difficult for couples who are juggling multiple commitments to make time for sex, but that shouldn’t let you off the hook. And you are right to have some concerns. Sex, or its absence, is a pretty accurate barometer of the health of a relationship. Most couples who stop having sex can’t recall making an active decision to do so.

Sadly, a pattern will often develop whereby one person will make attempts at initiating, find they are rejected, and the result is underlying anger from both parties. It’s quite common that one person might then take on this role of “initiator”.

Sometimes it is a genuine attempt at repair. Sometimes the advance is made only because the initiator is certain that it will be rejected, so it puts them in a position where they’ve done their bit.

Sadly, it can be representative of quite toxic power balances in a relationship. The unwilling partner then inevitably experiences feelings of anger (why can’t you accept that I don’t want it?) and guilt (I know I should be making more of an effort), which can manifest as passive aggression.

If the couple don’t, won’t, or can’t talk about these complex feelings, they retreat into themselves. Like all human beings, what they both really crave is love, affection and respect, but without physical and emotional intimacy they begin to feel disconnected.

The combination of unmet need and disappointment so often then plays out as suppressed, or expressed, hostility. Often a couple will start arguing over stupid things and the relationship becomes increasingly toxic. Happily, yours does not seem to have reached the toxic level.

You may blame the demise of your sex life on common issues for your age group, such as the strain of looking after elderly parents and the various demands of school-age children, but whatever the reason, you need to take steps to rekindle the excitement and desire between you both.

Why not start by making a concerted effort to take care of your wife. Keep it simple. Run her a bubble bath while you get the children into bed. Do housework. Remember to take her photograph occasionally. Text her out of the blue to tell her that she makes you proud, or tell her how lovely she looks.

These simple gestures are a much more effective form of foreplay than badgering her once she has fallen into bed exhausted. Prioritise your wife, and the sex will follow.

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