What is my husband thinking of during sex?

My husband always closes his eyes during sex. I feel this is because he needs to fantasise and I find it unsettling. Is it weird to feel jealous of his private thoughts?

It is incredibly common for people to close their eyes and fantasise when having sex. For women, fantasy is a way of speeding up arousal and hastening orgasm. Men who are anxious about sustaining an erection often use fantasy as a prop.

Others shut their eyes to avoid coming too quickly. And people who are self-conscious find it easier to relax with closed eyes or the lights off.

The most reliable information about the content and context of sexual fantasy is the psychoanalyst Brett Kahr’s online survey of 19,000 British people.

More than half of his respondents fantasised about sex with their regular partner, and his interviewees confirmed that coital fantasies were much more likely to be based around a partner than masturbatory fantasies.

Even when people allow their fantasies to roam beyond what Kahr calls, “the fidelity quotient” during sex, it doesn’t mean that they are bored with their relationship or intend to cheat.

As sex therapist David Schnarch argues, fantasy allows couples to experience variety without violating the grounds of monogamy. Over time, habituation and familiarity diminish sexual novelty, so if fantasy makes sex more exciting, why stick a pin in the balloon?

Individual motives may vary, but without doubt, most people who shut their eyes during sex do so because it is easier to “feel the experience”.

Seeing and touching activate similar areas in the brain, but seeing takes us out of the body, whereas touch does not. Vision is expansive, so unless your husband is staring into your eyes, he will see the underpants on the floor and the lubricant on the bedside table.

If he closes his eyes he can dissolve the boundaries between you and this helps him to achieve an experience of “oneness” with you.

You want your husband to look at you so that you can confirm that he is thinking about you, but what you don’t realise is that your face, your body, the way you move and smell and sound are already locked in his memory, and he can access that picture of you through his imagination.

During sex, the parts of the brain that regulate emotion, memory, fantasy, movement, the senses and the genitals are all engaged, and at orgasm, when the rush of dopamine floods the neurological reward centres, the maelstrom of cognitive, emotional, and sensory activity make it almost impossible for anyone to keep their eyes open.

Sex is a powerful physiological experience, but it is predicated on trust. Love and fear of loss are synonymous.

We cannot have one without the other, and to have an authentic physical connection with another person, we have to be willing to be vulnerable.

That can be challenging for those who suffer from low self-esteem. People uncertain about their self-worth tend to interpret events and behaviours through the lens of their own insecurities and this often gives rise to mistrust and suspicion.

Jealousy can be a rational response to potential or actual betrayal, and when a threat is tangible — changes in working patterns, a new friend who is mentioned in every conversation, a chatroom membership you weren’t meant to find, a disturbing porn download — you have every right to confront it.

However, jealousy can also be irrational and destructive, and since your husband has done nothing to make you doubt him, your fear of cognitive betrayal says more about you than it does about your husband.

None of us has the right to police our partner’s private thoughts. However, we are entitled to interrupt them. If you feel distanced from your husband during sex, a gesture such as kissing his closed eyelids will make him open them and look at you.

Similarly, if you speak to him during sex, his responses will reassure you that he is present and engaged.

Finally, try closing your own eyes during sex. You may find that the nagging voices in your head subside if you relax and engage in the full sensuality of the experience.

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