The ever-changing rules of dating

YOU’RE newly single and back on the dating scene following a traumatic breakup.

But the scene’s changed.

You don’t want a casual hook-up, but you don’t know how to find a committed relationship.

It’s not rocket science.

Fact: The biggest problems faced by Irish guys on the dating scene are lack of confidence and too much drink.

Fact: Irish women also need to watch their alcohol intake — but must not be bossy nor layer-on make-up.

Male or female, there are subtle rules of engagement that need to be observed. “Guys are standing around, not approaching women. They’re like wall-flowers, fearful of approaching beautiful women,” says Emre Ilkme, director of Kamalifestyles.com, which runs dating boot-camps for men.

This lack of confidence among Irish males is the reason why he and business partner, Stephen Nolan, set up the agency in 2008.

Ilkme recalls a recent client; a corporate executive in his mid-30s, divorced after 10 years of marriage. He didn’t know how to approach women.

This man’s confidence had been floored by an acrimonious divorce says Ilkme, and he was very negative.

“Yet he was good-looking, tall and financially independent. His lack of confidence was a turn-off. A girl does not feel safe in the presence of a guy who has no confidence.”

After training and field-work this man is now in a committed relationship.

Which is what most of us yearn for — even though we might have just emerged from a difficult breakup.

“There’s a compulsion in a lot of us to share our lives with some other person,” says relationship counsellor and sex therapist, Eithne Bacuzzi.

Yet, while many of us are organised about employment or a mortgage, says Avril Mulcahy, a singles coach who runs clinics in Cork and Dublin, we often leave our love-lives to chance. “We all want to meet someone special. But I’m amazed by the people who approach this side of their life passively and haphazardly.”

Prince or Princess Charming won’t fall out of the sky. “You need to approach this with a bit of preparation and focus.”

Into their 30s, says Mulchay, many people strive for a genuine relationship, yet they forget to put the work and thought into finding the right person.

So you finally make a connection and are on the first date. What are the dos and donts? For men, it’s important to exude a quiet self-confidence and a leadership that makes women feel safe.

Ilkme says: “Girls will very quickly pick up on feelings of depression, low self-esteem or negativity. You need to come across as a strong, confident male, but you can’t do that unless you actually work on building up your confidence. A lot of guys fake it, but they don’t fool women.”

There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance — if you’re assertive about yourself, that’s confidence, but attempting to dominate is arrogant, and a turn-off.

“Don’t seek approval, it’s not a leadership quality,” he says.

“I ask my clients — would you date yourself? Women prefer if a man has the date mapped out; that he’s leading the date.”

It’s a good idea to avoid the cinema, in favour of somewhere you can talk — have a meal and/or a nice walk. If you’re male and the first date is a meal, get to the restaurant first — and don’t remain seated when she arrives at your table.

“Stand up and shake her hand and give her a hug — a kiss may be seen as intrusive,” says Feargal Harrington, director of Intro Dating Agency.

The man should make eye contact, but not stare or leer.

Social touching on the hand or elbow is fine, but don’t over-do it, and ask her lots of interested — but not intrusive — questions about herself.

“A good first impression starts with a smile,” he says.

Women, says Ilkme, should opt for a feminine look, as opposed to overtly sexual — and flirty is far better than friendly.

“Witty and flirty attracts males. Be feminine in the way you speak and stand, and let the guys lead a little.”

Excessive drinking is a no-no, says dating consultant, Anne Marie Cussen, who advises two drinks, maximum, on a first date.

“Don’t be late, don’t talk about yourself all the time, don’t talk about past relationships and don’t try too hard,” she says.

And don’t ask them if they want to have children.

People are visual and first impressions count, says Mulcahy, so prepare carefully: “How you look is very important. Packaging matters.”

To set the tone, women should dress in a feminine, classy, sexy way. “Men are looking for women to be open, stylish, fun, flirty, engaging positive and sexy,” she says.

If you’re in a bad mood, think yourself into a better one.

“You need to get into the mind-set,” she says, adding that merely ‘friendly’ doesn’t work, and nor does wearing a rumpled work-suit stressed after a hard day in the office.

“You need to make sure a man is interested. Eye contact is very important.”

Focus on mirroring and matching, Cussen says — this means crossing your legs or leaning in to sip at a drink when he does: “If you’re interested in a man, mirror him.”

If he’s leaning in — always a good sign — match him movement for movement, she says. “If he crosses his legs, you cross your legs, and, after a while, you get into the same rhythm. Ask questions, be genuinely interested, be tactile, but not excessively so.

And guys, don’t play games after the date. If you’ve arranged to call or text her, don’t leave her waiting for two or three days because someone’s told you that’s what you’re supposed to do. “It’s rude and it’s not authentic,” Ilkme says.

If you like someone, go with your gut and call her soon — don’t be a dating-manual robot.

If the date goes well and the chemistry between you is good, it’s tempting to go with the flow — after all, it’s 2013, and we’ve lost most of our inhibitions about sex. But the prevailing opinion among the experts is to wait.

Harrington is disarmingly blunt. “It’s not advisable to sleep with someone on the first date. It’s better to make a guy invest in the relationship.

“If she sleeps with him on the first date, he won’t consider her relationship material.

“Some women think they should sleep with a guy to please him, but this can snowball into a life of one-night stands, leading to nothing,” says Harrington.

Be warned — sex on a first date can cloud your judgement and leave you at the mercy of a rapacious alpha male, says Mulcahy.

“It’s better to go on a couple of dates and get to know a person.

“A lot of men like the chase, and if a girl gives it up on the first night, the chase is over for the guy and the girl’s left on the fence.

“You’re better off holding out for a couple of dates and seeing if he’s interested in you or just interested in sex.”

For people re-entering the dating scene after a separation, divorce or the break-up of a long relationship, first-date sex can be an additional pressure, says Bacuzzi.

“It’s important to get to know someone, to determine your compatibility, expectations, personality and dreams.

“I’d suggest postponing sex, because it can deflect from the other elements of a relationship.”

If you’re serious about having a relationship, she says, it’s important to give the emotional connection and common interests a chance to grow.

Not only is first-date sex a no-no, says Cussen, so is second-date sex.

People need time to get to know each other, she says — it’s not like in the movies — the second and third date are as important as the first.

Before you think about re-entering the dating scene after a tough breakup, there’s work to do.

First, you must identify the baggage from your broken relationship and see what you can learn from it. : “Think about what you need to do to be better at styling yourself, or a better communicator,” says Mulcahy.

Analyse your role in the broken relationship and get to know yourself, warts and all.

“Were you a doormat or was the relationship all about you? Learn what you can and move forward,” she says.

Until you do this, re-entry into the dating scene won’t work, says Bacuzzi.

“You need to know that you have disconnected from your ex and are ready to reconnect with someone else — you have to have dealt with the baggage from the previous relationship.”

You won’t have the necessary self-confidence and self-assurance to make eye contact and initiate first-date conversation, she says, unless you’ve left all the other stuff behind.

“A lot of work takes place before you go out on the dating scene. You need to know what your needs are and what you definitely don’t need.”