Should I give ex-boyfriend second chance after passionate kiss?

Q. I bumped into my ex-boyfriend at a New Year’s Eve party.

After midnight he pulled me into a corner and we had a long, passionate kiss. It’s left me feeling very confused. We split up a year ago because he’d sex with a woman he met while on a weekend away with his mates. Should I give him a second chance?

A. Is a long passionate kiss reason enough to start off with your ex-boyfriend again? Think about it. You were hurt by his behaviour a year ago. He broke the trust of your relationship. By having sex with someone else you were betrayed and it can take a long time to recover from the loss of trust.

By this time you have hopefully moved on and are living life again, getting out and meeting people and doing things with friends. But the reappearance of your ex-boyfriend has brought old feelings to the surface.

In the early stages of love, people often rush along with the emotional high. We see the love object as being ‘everything to me’. He or she is idealised and we look for romantic passion and revel in being really wanted. Then with a bang you are let down. You had hopes and expectations for the relationship continuing.

Roll on a year. You have gone through the pain. You now know that you like his passionate kiss. But are you ready to fall in love again with the same person despite what he has put you through?

With romantic love there is a great preoccupation with each other and alongside there are intense feelings of attraction and arousal. It is a wonderful state yet everything changes with time.

The reality of everyday life has to take over. The novelty of intense passion wears off yet there can be then deeper affection and the relationship grows and puts down deeper more roots.

So, should you give him a second chance? I think it is unlikely that you can return to the earlier intense feelings.

Move away from the party. Take stock and think about what you like about this man. Be honest. Then you have to look at what you don’t like. Don’t hold back.

Then look at yourself. Is it that you must have someone to love and care for and that your partner wants somebody to love and care for him?

Have a look at the real person beyond the fantasy. How will you handle problems between you?

Also what caused your partner to be sexual with someone else? Was it because of flaws in the relationship that were never addressed? You will have to assess this and you will have changed in the year, since. Will you be constantly suspicious?

Usually relationships are formed because of love but there are unconscious reasons as well. Be careful if you find yourself thinking that there may be nobody else and that time is passing by.

To move on there has to be a commitment not to hurt each other or put the relationship at risk. Respect and tolerance are vital. Can you see this working? If not don’t go back in.

* Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

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