Tips for Ireland's growing band of second wives

WHEN there was no divorce in Ireland, the second wife was a rare breed, treated with suspicion. Now, with divorce and separation more commonplace, all that has changed.

There were 2,819 divorces granted in 2011, the most recent figures show, and 1,049 judicial separations. Many divorcees remarry — 2,470 in 2009, up from 2,112 in 2005.

But has it become easier to be a second wife, or does she live in the shadows of wife, and family, number one?

More than 500 Irish women are members of the British Second Wives Club, established by Linda Mellor, in 2005. She says second wives, desperately, need support. And the issue, in a nutshell, is that first wife.

“She can be extremely controlling,” says Mellor. “When you’re in a new relationship, you don’t expect an ex-girlfriend to be still on the scene. But first wives, especially when there are children involved, dictate what happens and where. As second wife, you are trapped in this triangle.

“You meet a man. You fall in love, and suddenly you’re in the middle of stressful and acrimonious exchanges. And one of the parties is demanding to know everything about you — your finances, even the value of your car. It’s a terrible shock.”

It’s generally assumed the second wife is the catalyst for the breakdown of marriage number one, but often, this isn’t the case.

“Often the first wife has a new lover; she initiated the divorce, so why can’t she accept that her ex now has somebody else?”

Second marriages are great fodder for filmmakers. The issues were explored in a funny, though thoughtful way in It’s Complicated, in 2010. And soon, A Wedding, will be on big screens, featuring Robert De Niro and Diane Keaton as a divorced couple who fake being married.

Second wives often go out of their way to accommodate a first wife. They make peace with their step children, realising their difficulties in accepting a new, and probably younger mother. The situation, though is delicate.

Several high-profile second wives, were, initially, happy to talk openly for this article. They felt their relationships with the first family were healthy. But when they thought it through, and imagined the impact on their step children, they withdrew.

And however functional things seem, there will always be jealousies and resentments.

Gerry Hickey, a Dublin psychotherapist and counsellor often sees second wives. He’s aware of the huge readjustment required.

“Relationships are inevitably more complicated when the first family are involved,” he says. “Second wives realise there will be problems, but they don’t realise the extent of those.

Inevitably some of the friends will feel uncomfortable. There’s a transitional period to go through, and there’s a lot of baggage. Second wives ignore that at their peril.

“No matter how much turmoil there was at the end of the first marriage, an emotional bond between the husband and his first wife remains, particularly if they had children and close friends in common. ”

Second wives often feel lonely and left out at family events. Such tensions become worse at Christmas. “Things often blow up then,” says Hickey.

When people learn that Elizabeth Bartholomew is a second wife, they sometimes give her this look.

“They’ll say, ‘Oh really?’ And from their tone, I know they’re thinking, ‘oh, you’re the younger woman’. I know they assume I stole Neil from his first wife. I didn’t; but I feel I have to explain. “I say, ‘I’m not the nanny, or the secretary, or the third party.’ It’s annoying, but no worse than for a friend who has just one child, and people are always asking her why. People feel they have a right to pry.”

Now 36, Elizabeth has three children with Neil, 48, and she’s pregnant with twins. When the couple first met, Elizabeth was just 21.

“When Neil said he’d been married before, my first question was, ‘Are there any children?’ He said there weren’t. He’d been married for less than a year, and he got married back in 1988. I laughed and said, ‘I started secondary school then!’ It didn’t feel like an issue.

“Neil hadn’t kept up with his first wife, but his mum had. He contacted her to get an official paper he needed, and it turned out she was due to marry again a month before us. She sent us a Christmas card that year, and we had one from her parents.

“I’ve never met her — but we’re now friends on Facebook.

Are there advantages in being a second wife? “I think Neil was more sure of what he wanted from a relationship when we met, than when he married before. He married me for the right reasons.”