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I’m a bored wife and a young man at work is flirting
Q I have been married for 12 years and have a predictable sex life. We have two young children and money is tight. Six months ago, I started a full-time job. From day one, I’ve been attracted to a younger man in the office. At a recent after-work drink session, he sat beside me and joked that he fancied me. I’m distracted by sexual fantasies about him. I’m afraid I’ll have a fling and tear my family apart.
AThe thrill of a forbidden relationship is one of the oldest aphrodisiacs. How delicious it is to escape into sexual fantasies when, at home, you are dealing with financial difficulties, a young family and a lacklustre sex life.
Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. You are in transition: a mother back in the world of work. Some of the other transitions in your life will have included leaving home, getting married, and having children. They are all events to be celebrated, but, at the same time, can cause anxiety.
You don’t say much about your relationship. Maybe you and your husband stopped seeing each other as exciting sexual partners. Did the focus switch to being parents and the partner to whom you were originally attracted faded into the background? Your work has a double function: it brings in much-needed money and gives you a new focus. Apart from the job, the workplace is social and so builds confidence. Now you are attracted to a younger man in the office. He flirts with you and you have become alive.
It’s only natural that you enjoy the attention. Managing a young family demands layers of routine, from dressing to feeding to bed time, which can often be stifling. Away from all this it must be exciting to be seen as an attractive woman.
Family life is often overwhelming and thinking about this younger man offers an escape from a humdrum life. But there is a wide chasm between fantasy and having a fling with the object of your desire. A fling is infidelity without an emotional connection or, put simply, no-strings sex. It will, no doubt, break the trust between you and your husband. If he were to discover the affair, it is highly likely that his faith in you will be shattered. When you married, even if unspoken, you made a commitment to each other, including fidelity.
Let’s look at what is happening now. You may have sex with this attractive young man. It may be exciting. But what if he wants to continue? What if he doesn’t? Where will this leave you? How will the workplace be, where you meet him day in and day out? Stand back and ask yourself why he is interested in you. It might be easy for him to walk away, but emotionally it might be hard for you. You are having sexual fantasies, but do you think you are in love with him?
I know, as you probably do, that many people have affairs. The fallout for partners and family is catastrophic. Only you know how important your marriage is to you.
I would suggest that you think long and hard before having a fling with a work colleague. Is it worth it? Are you prepared to risk losing the stable, loving home you’ve created for your children? Perhaps bringing romance and excitement back into your marriage might be a better option — and investment.
* Marie Daly is a sex therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsireland.com.
* Please send your questions to: feelgood@examiner.ie
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