I watch pornography too often and I fantasise too much

Q. I can’t stop thinking about sex.

I’m single, in my 30s, and spend a much of my free time watching porn online. At work, I constantly fantasise about the young women in the office. I know this is not right, but I can’t stop myself.

A. Your principal sexual relationship is with pornography and fantasy — not with a person. Yet, at the heart of all deeply satisfying sexual encounters is a loving relationship.

Your activities are solitary, and while you may be getting a release through masturbation, you are effectively living an imaginary life, where sex is always available.

Also, this behaviour is secret. Many people engage in internet pornography and believe it is without any adverse consequences. You probably believe that it doesn’t damage anyone. To justify their behaviour, many will say that everyone is looking at pornography. That it’s virtual, it’s not real. And so it becomes a routine part of their lives.

From what you say, it seems that you feel powerless and are unable to stop. This means the behaviour has become problematic.

Pornography and fantasy are highly arousing and give you a rush of life. It feels incredible and you keep going back for more. All this sounds like the words of an alcoholic or drug addict. It is very easy to become addicted to this behaviour. It has all the elements associated with addiction: excitement, escape and the compelling high.

I am not saying you are addicted. But you are unhappy about what you are doing and can’t stop yourself. You are alert to a problem and this is a good sign.

Think about why you are concerned. What else is in your life and where does this fit in? You may engage in the behaviour to relax, to escape work pressures. Look at the concerns you have about yourself.

Consider carefully what you can do to change and reduce the time you spend looking at pornography on the internet. Are you using pornography to alter your mood? Does it interfere with your everyday life? Is it about arousal and orgasm and does it take you away from real sexual relationships? If this is the case, it may be difficult to change on your own.

I suggest you seek help. There are counsellors and psychotherapists who work with clients on these issues. They can assess your difficulty and will devise strategies to deal with your problem. It will be a safe place to discuss and examine your concerns about pornography, and also the fantasy about the women in the office.

This is an emotive issue. It is not about advocating or condemning pornography. What matters is that you are concerned. With such ease of accessibility, it can become a problem for many and can become a difficulty quite rapidly.

* Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Mind and Body Works.

Visit www.mindandbodyworks.com

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