Can I take her back after she was unfaithful?

I’m 72 and my relationship with a woman 20 years younger has ended after she was unfaithful. 

I still love her and know she would like to see me again but I doubt that she would be faithful. Should I accept that love involves giving each other freedom?

Though my immediate instinct is to tell you that you shouldn’t compromise your faith in fidelity to avoid losing a partner who clearly doesn’t share your core beliefs, logic tells me that, at 72, it can get pretty lonely on the moral high ground and, as such, you might find a more practical, less emotional, response more useful.

Though your question is rather specific, your dilemma is rather complicated so I think that before you do anything you should assess the risk-benefit ratio of allowing this woman back into your life.

Because “love” is meant to be something that blinds us to reason, weighing up the advantages and disadvantages of venturing into a relationship with someone sounds a bit calculated.

However, we plan pretty much everything else in our lives so why shouldn’t we apply strategic thinking to affairs of the heart?

When businessmen are confronted with difficult decisions they use something called the minimax theory to establish which one, of a range of possible outcomes, will minimise their maximum regret in the long term.

My dad showed me how this theory can be applied to emotional issues, too, and I have used it many times when two roads have diverged and I haven’t known which way to go. It could probably help you, too.

It might sound a bit childlike at first, but bear with me. You will need a sharp pencil, a rubber, a ruler, a few sheets of blank paper, a couple of hours and, possibly, a nice cup of tea.

First you need to draw a grid on one of your sheets of paper. Using two ruler widths as your vertical grid guide, draw six columns across the page.

Then using one ruler width as your horizontal guide, divide your six columns across into five columns down. This should give you a grid with a total of 30 rectangular boxes — six across and five down.

Now, on top of each vertical column, write the following headings: column No 1 should be entitled “Critical decisions”; the second column should be titled “Likely impact on me”; the third “Likely impact on X (X being the lady in question)”; the fourth “Emotional cost”; the fifth “Financial cost”; and the sixth “Least worst choice”.

Now, in the boxes down the left side of your grid you need to list the five main options available to you and this woman.

For example: Box 1 might be “Marriage or cohabitation”; Box 2 might be “Dating”; Box 3 might be “Occasional sex with no commitment”; Box 4 might be “Platonic relationship”; and Box 5 might be “Never see her again”.

Once you have listed the options you work your way through each of your headings and write down how each of those options might be a good or bad solution for you, her, your heart or your wallet.

When you work out all the possible variants, scroll across and assign a plus to boxes which express largely positive sentiments and a minus to boxes which are largely negative.

Then you need to add up how many plus and minus signs each option gets and total them in the final column. The option that has the greatest number of plus to minus signs is your “least worst choice”.

Though your least worst choice might not be the one that feels right instinctively, the minimax process is a useful exercise in that it helps you to look at things from all sides and project ahead so that you can get beyond your immediate feelings and anticipate how the future might pan out if you make certain decisions now.

This makes you feel more in control of the situation and, as such, you will be much more confident when, and if, you talk to this woman about the possibility of trying to resume a relationship.

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