Why making up can sometimes be the best advice after a break up

RELATIONSHIP break-ups are dashed dreams, heartache, an empty bed.

Some people recover quickly, and fill the void with a new love. Others flail about, convinced nobody but the ex will do.

Sometimes they’re right. Maybe that’s why news of the reunion of Lisa Murphy and celebrity solicitor, Gerald Kean, gladdened the hearts of romantics.

The couple were engaged in 2009, but the theft of Lisa’s engagement ring did not augur well. Nor did her revelation that she had been engaged three times but had yet to try on a wedding dress.

The couple split last November, but they are giving the relationship a second chance, showing they haven’t given up on romance.

The loved-up duo are not alone. Couples split and make-up regularly. Some do it often: think Rihanna and Chris Brown, or Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick. Then there are the reports of Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson getting back together, taking things to the next level. Sometimes, a break-up is all that it takes to remind a couple that being together is what they want.

On-again,off-again relationships are more common than you imagine.

A recent poll from Kansas State University showed that 43% of those in relationships had previously split from their current partners.

The research also showed that while couples who address the reasons for the split can bounce back, most slide slowly into discord.

Dublin-based psychotherapist and mediator, Gerry Hickey, says that tackling the issues that led to the break-up is crucial to a successful reunion.

“When there’s a split, it’s often because one partner wants the relationship more than the other, or because one partner misses the other’s signals, being unable or unwilling to read them.

“Life crisis is another common reason,” he says. “Some crave time alone, while struggling to cope with unresolved personal issues. Others reject commitment and responsibility when their own problems are eating them up inside.”

Cork-based psychotherapist, Sally Cush, says growing apart often drives couples to break up: “Some adapt well to change in the relationship, others don’t. It can be as simple as deciding that the partner you once considered to be exciting and thrilling is actually immature.

“Some walk away to avoid facing problems in the relationship. For them, the works of [psychologists] Mary Ainesworth and John Bowlby, are worth a read. Both are great sources of information on attachment, feeling safe, and on how best to build a more secure sense of self.”

While some couples reunite because no-one else will do, others do it to escape loneliness, or the pain of the split. But, for many, according to Cush, guilt is the emotion that sends them back.

“They feel a sense of responsibility to partners who behave as though their very survival depends on the other person being there,” she says, adding that many people remain in long-term relationships that are not healthy.

As for people who go back to the ex because they couldn’t find anyone else, Hickey says: “Settling gets terribly bad press, yet most people do it.

“When couples go their separate ways, a massive reality check takes place. They discover their limitations and many go scurrying back to their partners faster than they left, feeling more grateful than ever for that relationship.”

Surely gratitude isn’t reason to return? “It isn’t but, in reality, it can be. If, on reuniting, the partners develop new interests, that can be a healthy reminder that they need more than each other in life — and what’s missing in the relationship can be found, or compensated for, externally.”

What if the passion’s long gone? “Passion can be worked on, as can the physical, emotional and psychological aspects of a relationship,” he says.

But for those in search of a full life, settling may seem like selling-out. “It’s never soul-destroying,” says Hickey. “Life is all about settling. It’s about admitting, adjusting and accepting. Do that and the sky’s the limit.”