Raising children in the age of new technology
HAS it ever been more difficult to be a parent? A generation ago, there was no such thing as the internet, Facebook or online pornography. Today’s parents have to deal with all of this and more and many don’t know how to help their children face these challenges.
A new book called Cop On — ‘what it is and why your child needs it to survive and thrive in today’s world’ aims to help.
Written by child and adolescent psychotherapist and father of three, Colman Noctor, it offers Irish parents an insight into what life is like for their children in a world of constant entertainment, instant gratification and high expectations.
“Over the past few years, the conversations I had with children and families changed,” says Noctor.
“Parents used to ask what age they could leave their children home alone or go to the shops unaccompanied. Now it’s when they can use Facebook.”
He found his response unsatisfactory. “I said it depended on the child but I wanted a better answer than that,” he says.
“I asked myself what I really meant and what I kept coming back to was cop on.”
A section of his book is devoted to defining what cop on is and how it can be fostered in children.
“Irish people use cop on as a command when people are acting irrationally or immaturely and we admire it in those who are level headed,” he explains.
“For me, it’s the ability to be rational and resilient and to have a bit of grit. Children with cop on can be trusted to make sensible decisions when the need arises and to handle tasks that might challenge them a little.”
One of the ways of encouraging cop on is providing children with the words they need to describe their emotions. “Where words fail, behaviour takes over,” he says.
“Adults groan, shout or kick things when frustration wins out. Children lash out, wet the bed or develop negative eating patterns and often it’s because they can’t describe how they’re feeling. By providing them with words for emotions, you minimise the potential for negative behaviour.”
Another way is to build good solid relationships within the family unit, based on listening carefully to your children.
“Trying to understand why young people do what they do is far more effective than trying to fix their behaviour,” says Noctor.
“More often than not, they don’t want to be fixed. They want to be heard.”
Some parents believe this amounts to letting their children do what they want. Colman insists this is not the case.
“It’s important you let your child know you understand their experience; you don’t have to agree with it,” he says.
“Allowing children to do as they please has no value; it doesn’t teach them anything and as a result, they miss out on developing core aspects of cop on.”
This doesn’t differ much from how previous generations raised their children. What is different is the dramatic social change Ireland has seen in the past two decades as well as the global technological revolution.
“My parents had only two TV channels to monitor and would put a cushion over my face if I accidentally saw something inappropriate on Dallas,” laughs Colman.
The experience of today’s parents is much more challenging — especially the experience of what Noctor calls M50 parents. These are parents who live outside big cities, work long hours and pay childminders to look after their children.
During the week, their mornings are rushed as they get everyone out the door while their evenings consist of a commute, picking up the children, preparing dinner and getting over-tired children to bed.
At the weekend, they feel guilty for their irritability during the week and often overindulge their children as a result.
“I became aware of this with my first child,” admits Noctor.
“So I asked myself what I was teaching through indulgence. If learning to wait, delayed gratification and inner resilience were what I wanted my child to learn, how did giving into their every demand nurture those qualities?”
Many M50 parents face another problem too. Their teenage children know more about technology than they do and this frightens them.
“The temptation is to pull the plug on it all but this isn’t a good idea. It’ll drive them underground and you’ll have even less control over what they do.”
Even internet-savvy parents can develop problems with technology.
“Do you check your emails at breakfast? What message does that send to children? Do they feel they have to compete with technology for your attention?”
He believes there’s a lot at stake for today’s parents and their children. “Young people have come along in the middle of a conversation,” he says.
“We remember a world before the internet; they don’t. It’s our responsibility to fill them in on what has gone before.”
The tables have turned. These days, it’s the young teaching the old how to use new technologies. But this doesn’t mean parents are redundant.
“The flipside is that parents need to teach children about the offline world to instil in them the values that were and still are important in society and relationships,” says Noctor.
He hopes his book will help.
“I want parents to realise they’ve got something important to share. They can teach children the importance of being plugged into family, real relationships and good values as well as being plugged into technology. Over and over again in my work with young people, this is what I see they need.”
In the same way a box keeps its contents from spilling everywhere, Colman believes children need a caring parental presence in their lives. This helps them feel psychologically safe as they learn how to regulate their behaviour and emotions.
Build a containing relationship with your children by being approachable and non-judgemental. Listen to them and try to understand their views.
Children learn through repetition and thrive when their lives are structured. Getting the balance right is vital.
Too much structure means children are unable to amuse themselves and can become overwhelmed by all that’s expected of them. Too little means they won’t develop skills of regulation and routine.
Let your children know you are there to provide nurture, guidance and love, no matter what. There will be periods when they need intensive support and periods when they will need less — balance is the key. You need to allow them to do and learn things by themselves but you shouldn’t withdraw too much support before they are ready.
This is the sense of being heard and it’s essential in cultivating self-esteem in children. Listen to your children when they talk to you. Try to see what they are saying from their perspective.
This is not the same as agreeing with them because validation is a two-way process. You listen to your teenager telling you why she wants to pierce her nose; she must then listen to why you think it’s not the right thing for her to do.
Parents should gradually involve children in making decisions about their own lives. This allows them to learn how to make good decisions themselves.
A toddler who refuses to eat can be involved in choosing and preparing his food. A teenager who is angry about not being allowed to stay out late can be involved in devising a plan where she demonstrates responsibility by sticking to successively later curfews.
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