When that guy you fancy is gay

YOU meet a gorgeous guy.

You’re convinced he’s interested. Why else would he chat to you with such empathy and understanding? You’re waiting, and waiting, for him to make a move.

And then it dawns on you; he’s gay. It’s a situation that’s happened to countless women.

Lots of women enjoy having gay friends. But even that can occasionally end in tears. Or so says Gerry Hickey, a Dublin-based psychotherapist and counsellor.

“Gay men love women as friends,” he says. “And such friendships can work. But some women hope for more. I had a client who had a fantastic friendship with this guy. But she fervently believed the relationship could go further. She eventually confessed she was looking for more, and the friendship faltered.”

Many gay men, Hickey says, are still not comfortable in their skin. So they look for friendships with women as a cover. A surprising number of gay men are married,” he says. “I have one gay client who complains that though it’s not hard to find a relationship; many of the men he meets are married. That is so common, that, advertising on a gay website, he stipulated, ‘no married men need apply’.”

When Emma Lindley from Manchester met John through a dating website she was smitten. “He was a really nice guy, with gorgeous twinkly eyes, and we had a great conversation. When he dropped me off, he kissed me on the cheek, and explained that he was a romantic, and wanted to woo me.

“I saw him seven or eight times, without anything physical happening. Then he sent me a message saying he liked me, but wanted to keep it as a friend thing. He said he wasn’t attracted to me, but that’s ludicrous. Everyone finds me attractive! I wanted more from him. I really liked him, so I carried on seeing him. I usually wore dresses when I met him. But one day I turned up in tight Levites, and some gorgeous Italian boots. He said I looked stunning and spent the whole date admiring my gear. He was so into it. It gradually dawned on me that he was gay. I’d wasted four months on him before the relationship just fizzled out. I’ve now met a new guy. We had sex on the first date.”

When Dublin woman Aedin Fiel went to Barcelona at 19, she spent a month in a restaurant kitchen as part of her studies in hotel management.

“It was a hostile, male-dominated atmosphere, with lots of shouting, screaming and flying saucepans. Everyone was aggressive.

“But the sous chef was divine. He had golden skin and green eyes. He was absolutely beautiful and he took me under his wing. He’d scream at the others to leave me alone. From being smitten, I fell in love with him.

“Being a senior chef, he wasn’t allowed to sit with us to eat. I used to stare at him thinking he was lovely. One day he said to me ‘Guapa.’ That means pretty girl. I thought, oh my goodness! He thinks I’m pretty. He’s definitely going to ask me out.

“One morning at 6am, I was on the metro with two girls, when the door opened and two guys walked in. My friend said, ‘look at that gear’. One guy had a fluorescent vest on; tight leather trousers and big steel capped boots with loads of buckles, right up to his knees. He turned round and I gasped. It was the sous chef, Alberto Garcia, and he was holding hands with the other guy and was all smoochy. My whole world shattered. I could not believe it. I laugh at it now.”

Siobhan McKenna, author of The Other Woman, has been a serial dater of gay men.

“The first was when I was sixteen,” she says. “He was my very first boyfriend. I was besotted with this guy and he pursued me. I was very innocent in those days; it was just kissing. Then the relationship went flat. It was years later when I realised he was gay.”

“The second was when I was 19. I went on a skiing holiday and fell head over heels for the ski instructor. He was keen, then went odd on me, and later I found out he’d run off with another ski instructor — who was male.”

When Siobhan’s marriage broke up, her daughters, April and Sophie were young, so she wasn’t on the dating scene for a while. Then, in her thirties, she enjoyed frequenting Lillie’s Bordello; she’d go there with a gay friend called Joe.

“He was great to have as a wing man,” she says. “It was lovely, when I was going to a formal event to have this well turned out man as my plus one. But when we were at Lillie’s, Joe used to score a lot more than I did. That was awful! Then one night we bumped into a guy I’d met at the Galway Races. I’d semi gone out with him, and when he invited us both to his Dublin 4 pad, I was delighted. He went into the loo at one stage, and Joe said, ‘I’m sorry Siobhan, you know it’s me he’s after, not you?’ That really took the biscuit!”

Siobhan turned her back on the dating scene when she met her Italian partner of five years, who is 34, to her 47.

“I got a lot of slagging when we first met,” she says. “But being with a toy boy is easier than dating a gay man, that’s for sure!”