Dealing with bereavement through-out the holidays

29,000 Irish people are bereaved every year, and the loss of a loved one is more keenly felt at this time of year, says Áilín Quinlan.

JILLIAN Van Turnhout and her family spent three Christmas Days of her father Michael Hassett’s life by his side, in the nursing home.

A stroke had left him paralysed from the neck down.

Michael died at the age of 79, on November 21, 2015.

The practical philosophy that was his guiding principal is foremost in Jillian’s mind.

Her father’s advice, she says, was to always look forward and concentrate on what you have rather than on what you don’t.

“This will very much be our philosophy this Christmas,” says the 47-year-old former Independent Senator, from Sandyford, Dublin, who, along with her mother and two older brothers, misses her father deeply.

It’s only now, she says, that the family is ready to begin “to start to return to the traditional Christmas Day.”

Christmas can be a very challenging time for people who have had a bereavement during the year, says Breffni McGuinness, bereavement counsellor with the Irish Hospice Foundation.

“Part of the reason is because Christmas is so focused on celebration,” he says.

“If you’ve had a significant loss during the year, that absence or loss is so much more heightened at Christmas time,” he says.

And many people do have a bereavement — every year, for 29,000 Irish people, someone close to them dies.

“Your feelings can form such a contrast to the jollity of Christmas. However, what we say in bereavement care is that you cannot choose to be happy. You feel how you feel, not how society would like you to feel.

“Bereavement is also about the connection we had with somebody, and the fact that person is no longer with us, so our connection with him or her has changed.

“For anyone who has been bereaved, Christmas is a difficult time,” he says.

Looking back, says Jillian, for her and her family, the grieving began following Michael’s stroke in September of 2012, which left her father in a high dependency unit of his local nursing home.

“In the months leading up to his death, there would be a serious health event every few months, either a serious infection or a stroke, so, essentially, the grieving started when he had his first serious stroke, in 2012.

“Once Dad was paralysed, you lost a bit of the person you knew. The fragility of life hits you then.

“The grieving came in waves, between 2012 and 2015, so it was going on for about two and a half years,” she says, adding that the caring atmosphere in the HSE-run Clonskeagh Community Nursing Home was a source of enormous comfort to Michael and to his family.

“Everyone, from the cleaning staff to the doctors and nurses, were really good and there was a very caring atmosphere there.

“It was very personal and every resident was treated with respect. That helped us — their attitude really helped.” It’s important to have conversations about a forthcoming bereavement, she says, and to discuss things openly.

“Talk about end of life, when you are healthy, so you really know what your loved-ones want.

“My father wished to remain in Clonskeagh Community Nursing Home, instead of going to hospital, when he was told he had 24 hours to live”.

The family discussed the matter openly and honestly, she says, and decided to honour his wishes.

“Clonskeagh was his home, at that point, and it was where our family ensured he remained until he passed away, a year after the decision.”

Irish people talk enough about death, Jillian says.

“We’re good at talking after death, but not so good at talking in advance of it.

“My husband’s family is Dutch and when his father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, they discussed everything in advance, as a family, and with the doctors. That’s something I don’t think we do enough in Ireland.”

People do find it difficult to talk about death, says Ann Marie Atkins, senior public engagement officer with the Irish Hospice Foundation.

THE foundation’s Have Your Say campaign encourages Irish people to talk about death, through social media and through Death Café conversations.

The latter took place in a number of venues last autumn in Cork, Dublin, and Mullingar.

“The IHF is concerned about all aspects relating to death, dying, and bereavement, and we want people to talk about it.

“We are hoping to get people talking about it, through our campaign,” says Ms Atkins, who also says that an average of 10 people are directly affected by each death. That equates to 290,000 newly bereaved people annually.

However, Ms Atkins says, it’s easier for some people to talk about death and bereavement than it is for others.

The third element of the Have Your Say Campaign was a national survey on attitudes to bereavement, which was carried out this past autumn. The findings will be submitted to government for consideration.

“We want to know what matters to people, and, to date, we have had more than 2,000 responses to the survey.

“We want to explore the factors that contribute to a more positive bereavement experience and pull together all these thoughts, opinions, and discussions, in a charter which would be a guide to the government, and to all of us, about what people feel makes dying and bereavement a more positive experience,” Ms Atkins says.

Jillian says: “Very lonely decisions have to be made at end of life and it’s important we feel no guilt in making these choices, because we know it’s the wish of our loved-ones. My family and I made sure Dad’s wishes were held to the end and that’s what keeps us strong now.”

Coping at Christmas following a bereavement

¦ Make a plan for Christmas and new year. “We know it will be a challenging time, so remember they are (each) just one day,” advises Breffni McGuinness, bereavement counsellor

with the Irish Hospice Foundation.

¦ “Have a plan for that day. How would you like to spend Christmas or New Year’s Day? With people around me, or taking time out on your own?

¦ “Think about how you would normally spend Christmas Day,” he recommends, adding that it’s a good idea to ask yourself: “What would I really like that would help me get through the day? Would I like to have my family around me? Or would I like to be alone or spend it with just one good friend?”

¦ Ask family and friends for what you need or want, he advises — they are usually more than happy to help.

¦ Be open to offers from others. Accept an invitation to a day’s outing for example, he says, but, if you feel you need to, build in a caveat that you feel you might have to leave early.

¦ Make a point of remembering the loved one who has died on Christmas and New Year’s Day, suggest Breffni. Light a candle in his or her memory or mention the person at the Christmas

dinner table.

¦ The other advice is to plan some nice treats for yourself over the Christmas period — something you enjoy doing. Make a plan to do some hiking with a good friend, for example

or to do some activity you enjoy.

¦ Be open to having a bit of fun.

¦ Acknowledge that you may manage a social event well, or that alternatively you may get upset, but honour your own feelings, he says.

¦ If you are close to a bereaved person, make sure to check in with him or her around the festive season to see how you might be able to help. Don’t be afraid to ask him or her directly, how can I support you?

¦ If you are bereaved and concerned about coping at Christmas, visit http://hospicefoundation.ie/advice-copingbereavement-christmas/