Ask Audrey: The definition of a style icon in Limerick is someone who only owns two tracksuits

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One of the girls who works for me has invited me to her wedding next weekend. She’s a northsider, so I presume I’ll end up sitting next to a trainee beautician who has just discovered rosé. Anyway, I want to give a cash present that’s high enough to make it clear that I’m richer than the bride, but not so much that she comes looking for a pay rise. What’s the correct amount there? – Imelda, a detached house in Ovens, my high-flying husband is rarely at home.

Isn’t he lucky? I asked my posh cousin, who is an expert on these matters.

She said she was at a norry wedding recently and tried to show a bit of class by offering to make a donation to charity.

The bride said she’d rather get the money herself.

My posh cousin said not a chance, you’ll only spend it on a pair of chalky eagles for the gateposts of your house.

At this point the priest intervened and asked my Posh Cousin to let the norry continue her walk down the aisle, because he had a funeral at five o’clock.

C’mere, what do be the story with Love Island? It was the berries there for the last couple of weeks, because the old doll was glued to it on the box and I hardly had to talk to her at all. Now that it’s over, she’d a be in my ear morning, noon and night looking for a replacement. Any auld tips like? – Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, I do be addled.

You do be in luck.

Some say there is no island near Cork where you can watch horny young types rubbing up off each other.

I say you’ve never been to the Gaeltacht in Cape Clear.

Get on down there, Dowcha Donie.

How’re oo goin’ on? The brother is a fierce messer and didn’t he order a sex robot and get it delivered to my house. Worse still, the gowl chose a model with a passing resemblance to a great favourite of mine, Keira Knightley. Between one thing and another, amn’t I only after falling in love with this robot and would like to bring her out for a meal in Dunmanway. What do you think I should wear? – Paul Pat Paddy, head out towards Drinagh until you find a man shouting, “come out ya hoor” down a manhole.

What do I think you should wear? Maybe start with a balaclava.

Whispering sweet nothings at a sex robot dressed as Keira Knightley is the kind of thing that will get you a bad reputation, even in Dunmanway.

(It’s not like you are in Kinsale.)

Still, here’s hoping you find true love and they don’t release a software update for ‘Keira that gives her a sense of smell. That would be curtains for a mucksavage like yourself.

(No offence.)

Hello there. I am a minor aristocrat from Wiltshire, well regarded locally despite a failed attempt a few years back to marry my horse. (I was rather drunk.) Anyway, some distant relative died last month and it would appear that I am now the Earl of Limerick. How should one conduct oneself to impress the upper echelons of the local community? – Frederick ‘Farty’ Farnsworth III, I feel as if I might be the luckiest man in the world.

I feel as if you’ve never been to Limerick.

You’ll have no problem with polite society in the city.

That’s mainly because it doesn’t exist.

Let me put it this way – the definition of a style icon in Limerick is someone who only owns two tracksuits.

I texted my dozy cousin from Patrickswell, and asked her if there is a Book of Limerick Etiquette in her local library.

She texted back, “What’s a library?” I eventually found a copy of a Limerick etiquette book here in Cork.

It’s actually a one-sentence pamphlet called “Mind your Manners, Sham”.

It reads: “Try and cut down on the raw onions.”

Guten Tag. I am travelling to your city with my wife next week and would like to make conversation, with locals, in your pubs. What is a good thing to say to a Cork person these days? – Jurgen, Dortmund, I know one good joke.

That’s one more than most Germans.

The best thing to say to someone in Cork now is, “Jesus, the park is looking well.”

This sentence has been red hot all week with crashing bores like yourself. (No offence.) The park here is our local G.A.A stadium, which was renovated at a cost of €80 million.

That was €10 million for labour, €10 for materials and €60 million to put up billboards in Tipperary saying “Go away out of Dat, with yeer Semple Stadium.”

The stadium is a pleasant walk down the Blackrock Road from town.

Don’t be surprised if a local tells you he’s livid at the traffic restrictions on match day, because it stops him showing off his top of the range 172 C Jaguar.

That’s just Reggie’s way of telling you he has a top of the range 172 C Jaguar.