Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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C’mere girl, there’s nothing on the telly. Last night I ended up watching an episode of Location, Location, Location that was so old, the baldy fella still had some of his hair. It got so bad that I nearly ended up having a conversation with the missus. What am I supposed to do? - Dowcha Donie, The Lough, please don’t recommend exercise.

I’m not that foolish.

What you need is a boxset.

That’s the polite word for a nerdy relation who has downloaded half the internet onto his PC.

My Conor’s nephew regularly gives us a memory stick with shows we might like.

Try Game of Thrones, it’s full of nudity and fighting.

My Conor says it’s like the Grand Parade on a Saturday night, but with more dragons.

You might also like The Wire.

It’s the story of a minor city gone to the dogs.

I don’t know why they didn’t just call it Limerick.

Hey. I am totally on holidays in Ireland right now and I was watching your RTÉ in a pub the other night. There was like this guy in a tux and this woman came out with like Chicago written on her dress and she did a dance for him, and then a woman came out with Cork on her dress and she kind of went on fire. What the hell was that all about? - Jack, San Francisco, what language was the guy in the tux speaking?

Rumour has it that he speaks English, but it’s impossible to be sure.

You were watching the Rose of Tralee.

It’s an annual festival that celebrates Kerry people’s knack for making money out of anything.

Inside the big tent, you have a collection of nervous types pretending that nothing has changed since 1956.

Outside the tent, it’s mainly people having drunk sex with strangers in the back of an Opel Corsa.

I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

G’day. I’ve been here in Sydney for the last 5 years, living the good life. Now that the economy is improving, I’m half thinking of coming home. The only problem is I don’t think I could face the weather and the food and the constant cribbing. Is Cork still terrible like? - Orla, Sydney and Ballincollig.

Oh no, Cork has changed completely in the last five years.

Particularly since all the eejits moved to Australia.

You can’t imagine how much we envy ye, sharing a house with a pack of savages from Monaghan and planning another trip out to the set of Home and Away.

Stone the flamin’ crows, as yer’ man Alf says, but the last thing we need is a wave of returned emigrants bawling their eyes out because it started to rain.

Stay put, ye flamin’ mongrels.

How’re oo goin’ on? Our daughter is after getting the points for Arts above in UCC and we are looking for some nice accommodation above in Cork. Money is no object unless it’s the tax man doing the asking, in which case we’re barely surviving on a few shillings from the farm, God help us. Where would you recommend? - Mick Paddy Andy, turn right at Drimoleague and keep going until you see a woman with a moustache.

Lucky you can afford somewhere nice.

Most students end up sharing a bedsit with a guy from Nenagh called Horse, who goes through the year with one sock.

Your best bet is to find an empty nester couple who are letting out a room in their mansion to help pay the membership in Sundays Well Tennis Club.

Bear in mind, these places are expensive and it’s not like your daughter will ever be able to afford to pay you back.

If only she got the points for Medicine.

Guten tag. I have started dating a colleague from just outside Mallow. She is bringing me home to the family farm this weekend to meet her parents. What should I expect? - Jurgen, Hamburg and Wilton, why does she keep saying ‘stop the lights’?

That’s the Irish way of saying ‘I’m an awful muck-savage’.

Going to meet potential in-laws in north Cork is a tricky business. (I’d rather be caught selling tickets in Rio.)

They are more used to evaluating livestock than human beings.

Don’t be surprised if they ask to look at your teeth.

I was dating a fella from Newtownshandrum once, before I had the operation to improve my sense of smell.

His father asked if could he check my arms.

I thought he said arse and replied no problem because the man had a lovely set of shoulders.

Well, the look on his wife’s face when I started wiggling it at him.

Happy days.