Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Hola. I have just moved here from Spain and my daughter is preparing to make her First Holy Communion. We are so proud that she is accepting Jesus into her life. Is there anything I should know before the big day? ——— Maria, Glounthaune, no idea how you pronounce it.

Don’t worry about not knowing any of the prayers in English. Neither will any of the other parents. You should be prepared to be the whitest woman in the place. While your daughter is finding a place for Jesus in her heart, the Glounthaune set will be finding a place for Cocoa Brown on their arms and legs. Try not to laugh. And finally, it is not unusual for an Irish parent to stand outside the church with a megaphone shouting, “We spent two grand on her dress.” Of course you won’t hear this in more sophisticated areas like Sunday’s Well. Because anything short of five grand there is a complete no-no.

Like, totes, what’s the story babes? I’ve been living in Cork for a fortnight now, having moved down from the capital. When the sun came out earlier this week, I thought wowsers!, Cork is almost as cool as Dublin, sort of. Any tips on sunshine drinking in Cork city? — Kim, my nose hurts from talking through it.

There are a couple of decent beer gardens on Douglas Street and North Main Street. These are perfect if you fancy drinking next to a student from Thurles who has someone else’s vomit in his ear. (It’s a long story. He’ll insist on telling you. Then he’ll lob the gob.) Actually, the best place to enjoy a sunshine drink in Cork this week was my back garden. The two hot Italian DJs next door were lounging around topless. (Lucky I bought those perving binoculars in Aldi.) You can call over if you like. Bring binoculars for yourself and a set of ear plugs for me. (Couldn’t be listening to you.)

I asked my husband what he’d like for his birthday and he said a threesome. I said I’d go looking for another woman. He said make that two other women because I don’t want you involved. Where do you think I might find two women interested in such a thing? — Valerie, Blackrock, I’d do anything for my Reggie.

I guessed as much. Forget about two women, it would be more in your line to find a new husband. I’m sure Cork is full of caring men who would gladly include you in their threesome. (I can give you a few numbers if you like.) But look, I understand that a lot of marriages in Blackrock are more open than a Docker’s pub at 7 in the morning. So if you insist on looking for two open-minded women, I hear they get up to all sorts in Mitchelstown.

How’re oo goin’ on? The missus has put up with me for 30 years, so we’re going for a night in a hotel in Cork to celebrate the anniversary. Where do you think we should eat, bearing in mind that we don’t like fish, rice, spaghetti, duck, vegetables or foreigners? —Mick Dan Janice, head west from Glengarriff until you see men using twine as a fashion accessory.

I’d recommend you eat in the hotel. They put on a nice spread for culchies who are afraid to go out in case they have to negotiate a set of traffic lights. If you do head into town, there is no shortage of places that will charge you 20 quid for a burger and chips. It’s a fiver for the food and 15 quid for the fact that the waiter has a cool beard. Finally, I wouldn’t recommend a tapas restaurant. That’s the Spanish for “It’s not supposed to be dinner, you’ll be starving in half an hour.”

My first child is due in four months. I was going to go to the maternity hospital in CUH until my sister pointed out it is also used by Norries. Not that I’m a snob or anything, but I don’t want my daughter coming into the world next to a room full of people in tracksuits.Would you recommend a home birth? — Sinead, Rochestown Road, the posh side.

I hear a lot of posh Cork women are going for home births now. It’s a great distraction from the pain apparently, telling the midwife how much your kitchen cost in between contractions. Not to mention screaming at said midwife to move her Ford Fiesta around the back before someone sees it.

There is no room for mistakes when you’re part of posh Cork.

While your daughter is finding a place for Jesus in her heart, the Glounthaune set will be finding a place for Cocoa Brown on their arms and legs