Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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I can’t believe these new rules for au pairs. It’s totally au revoir to my new nose if we have to pay ours the minimum wage. It’s not like we treat the girl badly. I even made her a cup of tea last week when she finished painting the house. Do you have any advice? — Laura, Ballintemple, and not one of the ‘cosy’ cottages, before you ask.

My mother was only talking about this the other day. She wanted to know where this current generation got the idea that it’s okay to treat young foreigners like muck. I said from our parents who took in Spanish students during the 1980s and made them live on fishfingers. She wasn’t a bit happy. Luckily she couldn’t say anything because just then our au pair walked in after cutting the grass. I’d be lost without her.

Like totes howz it goin’. Me and my girls came down to Cork for Paddy’s Day because like have you seen Temple Bar? Anyway, I’ve just woken up on the couch in an apartment after a party. There’s a guy like sitting at the dining room table in a blue jersey with a yellow stripe across it. He’s drinking milk out of the carton, just like an animal. Is it safe to talk to him? — Pippa-May, I won’t be leaving Dublin 4 again for a while.

The guy at the table is from Tipperary. Do not start a conversation. It will just encourage him and Tipperary people are known to be unstable. (They regularly elect Michael Lowry and Alan Kelly. Say no more.) There is an even better reason not to initiate a chat. And that’s his reply. It will sound like a man speaking with his head in a barrel of water. I’m not even sure they are speaking English.

Guten tag. I have just started working here in Cork and am not sure of the social scene. I currently have Monday and Tuesday off. I went to a pub the other night but there just a drunk guy there who wanted to know if my grandfather was in the Nazis. Then he started singing about Blackpool girls swimming in the nude. Where should I go to meet the ladies for meaningless sex? — Jurgen, Hamburg and St. Lukes.

I’m intrigued by your notion of meaningless sex. Are you saying there’s another kind? Anyway, have you heard of Crane Lane? It’s a lively pub in town that’s hopping with a cosmopolitan crowd all week. I like to go in there and hear people speaking in their native tongues. All going well, one of those native tongues will end up down my throat. (Don’t tell my Conor. He doesn’t realise we have an open marriage.)

Bonjour. I have decided to reverse the normal trend, so I am leaving Paris to propose to my girlfriend. We arrive in Cork next Friday and I would like to make a big fuss to disguise the fact that I have three other girlfriends. (My friends think I am prude.) Where is the most romantic part of Cork city?

—Jean Claude, Paris, I need somewhere we can smoke.

Try the Shaky Bridge. It’s a pedestrian affair often used by residents of Sunday’s Well (aka Posh Norries.) They are also known by other names, like Ken and Lucinda. Don’t worry about bringing a nice bottle of bubbly to celebrate the occasion. It’s Good Friday so every second person will be drinking on the streets. After that I’d recommend a romantic walk through Fitzgerald’s Park. After all, nothing says je t’aime more than slaloming around mounds of dog poo.

How’re oo goin’ on? I’m after arranging a date with this younger woman who lives inside in Cork. Between yourself and myself, I might have lied on d’aul dating website profile. Let’s just say add 10 years to my age, 5 stone to my weight, and you still wouldn’t be right. My plan is to buy a new outfit that will make me look like a 27-year-old rugby player. Where would I get that in Cork? — Din Jim Jimmy, head west from Durrus until the people start to look like goats.

Your best bet is head to Opera Lane. There are a lot of shops there with sound-proofed changing rooms. That’s so you can’t hear middle-aged men roaring, “Not a feckin’ chance, I better lay off the pints and late night cheese burgers.” The one exception is Gap. Their stuff is made with Americans in mind. So let’s just say there’s room for everyone.

I’d recommend a romantic walk through Fitzgerald’s Park. After all, nothing says ‘je t’aime’ more than slaloming around mounds of dog poo