How rugby star Hannah Tyrrell tackled low self esteem

As an elite-level athlete playing international rugby for Ireland, Hannah Tyrrell seems physically invincible.

But emotionally it hasn’t always been so. There was a time when chronically poor self-esteem was almost her undoing.

“At about the age of 12 or 13, I developed an eating disorder, a form of bulimia. Subsequent to that, I began to self-harm. I had very low self-confidence and a very negative body image. I didn’t feel I was good at anything, that I wasn’t a good person in general. I thought being skinny might make me happy, but the irony was, the skinnier I got, the more unhappy I was,” says Hannah.

There was nothing in particular that triggered her behaviour; she had a “great childhood”, shared with four siblings and loving parents.

Yet she found herself constantly angry and frustrated — feelings she relieved by engaging in self-harm, “a form of punishment, a form of release”.

Hannah’s negative behaviours were very minimal at age 12/13 but got progressively worse, to the point of being life-threatening.

Yet she managed to conceal her feelings from family: “On the outside I was chatty, bubbly, good at sports. But inside I never felt good enough. I isolated myself for fear of judgment. I was scared to tell anyone, I didn’t realise my problem was as bad as it was. My parents had no idea. I was a master at lying and deception,” says Hannah.

What had begun as random negative thoughts eventually became core beliefs, “and I ended up with deep-rooted self-hatred”, she says.

Eventually, at the age of 16/17 Hannah confided in a guidance counsellor who told her parents. She attended a counsellor at Pieta House, a centre to help tackle suicide and self-harm.

Aged 18, she entered St Patrick’s Hospital where she engaged with a six-month programme to address her eating disorder. The battle to conquer the negativity took the best part of a decade.

“At age 21-22 I was sick of it. I didn’t want to face another day living like that. I really wanted to get better myself so I reached out. I talked. And the more I talked the more I realised how much people wanted to help. My self-esteem grew.”

At age 23, she picked up a rugby ball, and the rest, as they say, is history.

She’s recovered now and wants to help others, hence her involvement in the Irish Rugby Union Players’ Association Tackle Your Feelings mental wellbeing campaign. It will see national and international rugby stars come forward to tell their own personal story of the issues they have faced off the pitch.

“For others who struggle, I would say — reach out. Have a bit of self-belief and confidence. Talk to friends and family,” Hannah says.

For more on Hannah’s story go to tackleyourfeelings.com