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Cork’s unique agony Aunt fields your questions.

I went down to clean out my luxury mobile home near Crookhaven this weekend. I’ll keep back the exact address in case it gets over-run by Norries, though it might be too late, because some butcher from Hollyhill is after taking the mobile next door. He told me he nearly had a banger when he saw the cost of the rent. What does that even mean? Chloe, Well Road, I sound posher than Simon Coveney.

A banger is Norrie-speak for heart-attack. He was pretending to have no money, so you’d respect him. It’s the exact opposite of the way things work on the southside, but sure, who am I telling? Mind you, I note that you don’t actually own a house in Crookhaven. And you don’t even call it Crook. So you’re probably considered some kind of loser out in Douglas.

How’re oo goin on? There do be fierce goings on in West Cork this week, with strange alien characters all over the shop. The cousin is convinced that they are tourists from Roscommon. What’s the story? Ger Mick Mary, keep going out beyond Ardgroom until you can see Lisbon.

That would be Star Wars actors. Don’t bother trying to rent them a room in your house, as they’ll want their money back when they see the orange lino you have in the back hall. Or just because you have a back hall.

Of course the people in costumes might be diehard fans, who find it hard to make friends in the real world. Rent away like mad, if you don’t mind sharing a house with a grown man who wants to be known as Yoda. Bear in mind that a lot of sci-fi fans are interested in post-apocalyptic wastelands, so you could always take them for a spin into Dunmanway.

Ciao. Myself and some Italian friends are going to Thurles to support Cork this weekend. We are not just doing this so we can meet Cork hurling ladies. We want to go to bed with them as well. Anyway, do you have any advice? Benito, Milan and Boreenmanna Road.

Bring me! My Conor is gone to Portugal on a lads’ golfing holiday. He told me not to do anything he wouldn’t do. Let’s just say I saw the texts he got from a girl called Rosa after the last trip, so I’ll be ready outside my house on Sunday morning in a cut-off Cork goalie jersey. Supporting Cork is very easy: Shout ‘Re-Bells’ non-stop until Tipperary get their fifth goal. Then start demanding that Jimmy Barry-Murphy should come back out of retirement, or, in your case, turn around and lob the gob at some mutton-dressed-as-lamb from Roscrea. (That crowd have no shame.)

Hola. I am an au pair for a lovely couple here in Blackrock. They even let me out around Cork at the weekend, as long as I am finished doing the hoovering. Now, though, the lady of the house is convinced that I am having an affair with her husband, even though he is from Waterford. What do you think I should do? Sophia, Madrid and Blackrock Road.

I have one principle in life: There is only response when someone wrongly accuses you of sleeping with their husband, and that is sleep with their husband. You’re getting the grief, anyway. Don’t worry about getting a reputation and losing your job. Cork is full of women who would do anything to stop their husbands pestering them for sex and, when they find out you don’t mind doing the housework, sure you’ll be more in demand than a proper security firm around Old Trafford.

C’mere to me girl, I see your man Finian McGrath wants to bring smoking back into the pubs. That’s grand for the capital, where it might help cover up the smell off the Dubs, but I’d be allergic if they decided to make it law down here. Is there anything we can do about it? Dowcha Donie, I called my budgie Pint of Murphs.

I suppose we could always have a referendum to establish our independence. Anyone for Crexit? No? Good. An actual Independent Republic of Cork would be a living nightmare. Sure, we wouldn’t have anyone to blame. I hope they allow smoking back in the pubs. Some people say that the smoking area is great for a bit of flirting. I say they’ve obviously met a guy from Listowel in a pair of Dingos who snakes up and says: “Any chance of an auld light, sugar tits?”

A lot of sci-fi fans are interested in post-apocalyptic wastelands, so you could always take them for a spin into Dunmanway