Dear Dáithí: My kids won't stop fighting. I've tried everything, what should I do? 

I do believe that a family who fights together will also fight for each other, that’s how it was in my house anyway!

Dáithí Ó Sé: "You both need to be on the same page, and you need to sit down and make a serious plan — this has gone on too long." Pic: Domnick Walsh

Dear Dáithí, 

My children won’t stop fighting. I have two boys and one girl. The boys are twins, aged 10, and the girl is 13.

They used to be great friends and now they can’t be in the same room as each other. I’m sick to death of being the referee. It’s ruining our time together. I’m so stressed and I’m sick of them. I’m actually dreading the summer holidays.

This all started about a year ago. We did move house and schools, and it was stressful for them, but I don’t understand why they are turning on each other.

Two will gang up on one, and then change it around the next day, or it’ll be all three of them fighting — over nothing. They say awful things to each other and are physically fighting too.

The girl is the worst of all. She really hurt one of her brothers recently, throwing a cup at him. I know she didn’t mean it, but he had to get three stitches over his eye. I’m at my wits end.

My husband and I have very different parenting styles. He’ll come in and give a roar which stops them in the moment, but is no good long term. I think this is only teaching them it’s ok to shout to get your way. I’ve tried bribing them, cajoling, taking things away ... it works for a while and then they go straight back to being horrible to each other.

What can I do?

Like a lot of our dilemmas, you’ll be happy to know that you’re not alone when it comes to this. Siblings fighting is nothing new and happens in every house.

That said, this does seem a bit much and its affecting everyone — so we have a problem.

I do think, like most households, if this is left alone it probably will go away as the children get older and have other people to annoy, but we need to think of you here.

Now the children are still very young, and they will say and do awful things to each other — we were all like this — but I’d imagine that’s very tough on you having to correct them all the time.

The fact that you and your husband have two different styles of parenting isn’t working out. You both need to be on the same page, and you need to sit down and make a serious plan — this has gone on too long.

The children need to see you both a one unit and taking no crap.

Before you approach the children with this new parenting style, we need to break the current cycle.

Otherwise, it might be hard to change things. The summer holidays that you are worried about actually are the perfect opportunity. This is where a bit of old style going on holidays to your cousins comes in.

Send the twins to one house and you daughter to another for a long weekend or even a week. Explain to your family what is happening, and I’m sure they will help.

This is the perfect cycle breaker — they even might get to the stage where they all miss each other.

Now, while they are away, you need to have the changes ready to go when they come back. I’d be setting a daily summer chores list for each of them.

Jobs for everyone or there is not pocket money or Xbox or whatever their thing is.

You really need to stick to your guns, otherwise the whole thing is pointless. Your husband needs to be on board too.

If he isn’t, I’d be sending him off to your family for a week!

He will though, because I think he realises how serious this is. I do realise that this is not easy when people are working all the time, but it has to happen.

While the children are away for the week, mom and dad need time for themselves: Some “hubba hubba time” (quote might be stolen or borrowed from The Simpsons).

Be careful, though, we don’t want to be back with another dilemma in 10 years’ time. All jokes aside, you need some time together away from everyone. You both should do this on an annual basis — again, I know easier said than done.

It does seem that your children have lots of energy, which is a good thing, so you need to sit them down and ask them to pick a sport that they like and say they are being signed up for the winter.

If you are really worried about the fighting, maybe an activity like Taekwondo might be the answer. It’s a very good way to deal with this and they also explain how to direct anger and understand what’s happening with other people too.

I want to go back to the start and to where this behaviour has come from.

I think the move has affected them.

You have even said it yourself that it was stressful for them all. It’s very hard for us adults to deal with stress, can you imagine what it was like for them?

So, this is the first part of the conversation when they come back — an acknowledgment that it has been tough on everyone, but everything is going to be ok, and we are in this together — then you can go ahead with the rest of the plan. 

You might be asking why I didn’t start with this point, but I really wanted to show that there is a solution for every problem and not a problem for every solution. We should always stay focused on the positive.

Don’t worry about the fighting, because I do believe that a family who fights together will also fight for each other!

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