Dear Dáithí: My sister-in-law won't respect my wishes to have an eco-friendly baby shower

Dáithí Ó Sé. Pic: Domnick Walsh

Dear Dáithí,  

My partner and I both work in the environmental field and being eco-conscious is very important to us. 

I feel it's fair to say we don't lecture our family and friends about issues, but we do try to lead by example. So, for example, in our home, we compost, use next to no single-use plastics, grow our own vegetables and herbs, upcycle a lot, don't really ever buy anything new and we made the decision some years ago not to fly, to reduce our carbon footprint. 

We live a life that feels authentic to us. The problem is I am eight months pregnant, and my sisters-in-law are throwing me a baby shower. 

I've asked them to please not buy any gifts/decorations/accessories for me or the baby that use materials that go against my principles, and one of them blew up at me and said the whole family was sick of me (their brother wasn't mentioned!) and that I'd want to start living in the real world. 

I replied there wouldn't be a real-world left if we don't all start taking responsibility, and it was my baby and I would raise it in accordance with my ethics. 

Now, the baby shower is off, my husband is upset and I feel they are in the wrong, not me. I don't want a rift before my child is even born. What should I do?  

The problem at the heart of all of this really bothers me, and your husband needs to grow a pair, I’ll get to these two issues in a bit, but first of all fair play for being eco-conscious. 

We all should be like this and if I’m honest I have tried and succeeded to be and do better in the last while and it feels good. 

Now, the fact that you and your husband work in the environmental field means you know more than the rest of us, and we really need to be listening to you and notice more about what’s going on. 

Along with this, I really like your approach with the rest of your family. You are not pushy but lead by example, this in my view is the way to go. 

People don’t like to be told what to do these days and it’s obvious that you read that room well.

From reading your letter it sounds like ye are all over this topic, living by your word and what you believe in, and again to me this is refreshing. 

You compost and upcycle a lot, you have a veg garden and are very conscious of your carbon footprint and most important of all as you say you ‘live a life that feels authentic’ to you. 

Does it get any better than this, to live by your principles and values? 

This to me is the secret to a happy life, and the only thing that can disturb this is other people who don’t measure up to this, and that's where the conflict is here. 

You’re dealing with someone here who can’t tell the difference between a recycle bin and a jungle gym.

This person has made this very exciting and special family event about her, it’s as simple as that. 

You went to the bother of asking the whole family not to buy gifts and decorations and to respect your wishes and this person blows up. Get out of town. What right has she? None! She should have been delighted to have been invited. 

And by the way, that’s a load of bull, that the whole family is sick of you. I don’t even know your family and I can tell you now that it’s a lie. 

This person took it upon herself to speak for the family and she shouldn’t have and of course, this was all your fault and nothing to do with your husband. 

Which brings me onto him... ah, the poor créatur, feeling sorry for himself. Get off your arse, boy, and stand up for what you believe in, and don’t let anyone speak to your wife like that.

He knows you’re in the right, he’s in the same camp as you when it comes to principles, so what happened? 

Has this blowout person bossed him around all his life? I’d imagine so and he might be afraid of her. If this is the case, that needs to change, it's not good enough. 

For me it is simple, it comes down to right and wrong, it's not brother and sister versus husband and wife, it's right and wrong!

So, what will we do? Usually, I’d say be the big person and reach out to this person, this might be stressful, and you are eight months pregnant, and you really have nothing to prove to anyone. 

If you still want to have a baby shower, and I’m not even sure if you wanted one in the first place, stick to your original plan, because it's what you believe in. 

Your husband needs to speak to his sister, and let her know what she has done. She can’t get away with this behaviour, otherwise it will be the same story at the Communion and Confirmation, etc! So let something positive come out of this.

Now we can’t forget the main thing here, and that is you have a beautiful baby on the way, and Lord God, it really doesn’t get any better than becoming a mam or dad. 

I can still remember seeing Ógie for the first time, 11.31am, St. Patrick's Day 2014. It was a moment of beauty. You have an extra gear inside you that, even at this stage, you don’t know you have; you’ll know it the second your baby will arrive. 

I’m sure you have had people say to you over the last few months, "Oh, you’ll never get a good night’s sleep again and it's all dirty nappies from now on". 

Let me tell you if your baby hasn’t pooped in three days, there is only one thing you want to see and that’s a dirty nappy, and in the middle of the night when you look into the cot and see a pair of eyes smiling back at you, you’ll know how rich you are!

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