Dear Dáithí: My Dad is finally retired - but he refuses to do anything fun with Mum

Dáithí Ó Sé: "I would start with your dad here, has anyone ever asked him if there is a reason why he doesn’t want to travel?"

Dear Dáithí,

My parents are both retired but are still very fit and well-able. Now that they have free time and a bit of cash handy, my mum is keen to be adventurous in their travels and wants to go on longer trips to America and Asia but my dad keeps putting up excuses.

He searches until he finds one bad review, and that’s a whole state or travel company written off then. Or he won’t travel for several weeks before or after any other plans they have, even if it’s something small like a dental appointment.

Or he says they should be around in case we need help with childminding or lifts — but we haven’t asked for that help, and would be happy to see them off enjoying themselves.

Every few days my mum makes new suggestions for cruises or road trips or walking tours, but he seems happy going on day trips to towns just 25 miles away and that’s only if he researches the cafés, parking situation and public bathrooms first.

They both still love travel programmes and reading travel reviews and when they were younger they would have often mentioned places that they had ambitions to see.

Should I encourage my dad to be a bit braver or should I ask my mum to ease up and settle for visits to the local farmers market or tea and scones in a country town?

This is such an exciting time for your parents, two people who worked very hard all their lives and made sure you and your family had everything you needed. When I was reading your letter, it reminded me of my own parents who did similar and worked so hard for all of us.

My father sadly passed away over ten years ago now, but it's one of the things I always remember about him, how hard he worked, and like you, I wished my parents would have travelled more, and saw more of the world. 

As it happened, they didn’t really want to do that, now your problem is Mum wants to travel far and wide, and your dad is happy keeping it local. So, what do you do?

I would start with your dad here, has anyone ever asked him if there is a reason why he doesn’t want to travel? 

He is making every excuse in the world not to go places; I’m wondering what the real reason is. He might be afraid of flying or afraid of big ships on the water. 

Your dad is a very proud man, I’d imagine, and he might not want to admit this. Ask him and find out. I think this is a very good place to start.

Now if there are no issues, you need to chat to Dad some more. Your Mum would like to go and travel on long trips, so we might have to meet in the middle for a start.

I think we’d be doing very well if Dad went away for one or two weeks first, not as far as Asia maybe, somewhere closer to home. I think your Mum will be happy with this as a start too and we all know once your dad has this under his belt, he might be happier going further and for longer.

You might have to push your dad here a little if he is not budging, saying “Come on now, mom is moving closer to the middle and you have to move too”.

He probably knows this day is coming as he has been under pressure for a while. I would also ask him if there is one place he always wanted to go to, and make the first trip about him.

Now, if he just does not want to go, here is another suggestion. 

Does your Mum have a friend she would be happy travelling with, or maybe another family member? This too could be a solution. 

I know lots of people who do this, and everyone is happy. It can come as a shock to the system, so tread lightly. 

Your Dad might get a shock, it might be the shock he needs. On the other hand, he might be happy to have the place to himself for a few weeks. He might miss your Mum so much he mightn’t let her out of his sight again, you just never know.

I think this is worth exploring, your Mum would really have to get on with this person, and your Mum might also turn around and say no way, which is fine too.

The main thing here is everyone is talking about it in a different way, and with new eyes too. This can be refreshing, and give new life to a situation. 

Sometimes with an issue like this, it can be like going round and round a roundabout that leads nowhere, which can be very frustrating for all concerned.

Before I go, one last idea, how about all the children in the family come together and buy a trip for them as a surprise for all the hard work they have done for ye? Can you imagine the reaction? I’d say they will be delighted.

It’s something I should have done myself, looking back at it, for my own parents. Had a chat about it, discuss it with the rest of the gang, and see what comes out of it.

I do really hope your Dad goes for it, especially when your Mum loves to travel so much. I think he will I have a good feeling about it.

When they do go, be sure to email in a few pictures!

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