Joanna Fortune: My daughter is anxious about starting 'big' school 

You're safe, breathe

My eldest child skipped out the door on the first day of primary school and settled in quickly. However, my second child is anxious about the start of ‘big school’, even though she has met the teacher and her new classmates. She was very upset when playschool ended and still misses the teachers and friends she made there. What can I do to help her?

No two children are the same, even within the same family, and we don’t parent them the same way.

Your second daughter is showing you that she is experiencing big feelings about this pending change in her life.

She misses her pre-school world and everyone there because it feels familiar and safe. She is communicating that she cannot anticipate, with any degree of certainty, how this new experience of ‘big school’ will be and that uncertainty is causing her to worry.

Before you rescue her from her feelings, acknowledge and validate how she is feeling because her feelings have context, and they matter.

Sit with her on the floor, just the two of you, and play.

Perhaps sit close by each other, face to face, and row the boat, but keep it in a gentle rhythm. You could swap verses and follow the first one with: ‘Row row row your boat gently down the stream; if you meet a polar bear, don’t forget to shiver’. Gently shimmy your bodies.

Now that you are sitting in close proximity, making eye contact, holding hands, and swaying back and forth, tell her that you know she has big feelings about starting school. Tell her that it makes sense to have big feelings about something new and that you understand this.

Let her know that she is not alone, that you will be with her at the start and end of her first days at school (if that is indeed the case), and that her teacher is a nice and kind grown-up who knows great ways to make the newness of school feel comfortable for all of the kids in class.

Another effective way to reset a worried mind is to change our field of vision.

In other words, look at something else for a while. One way to achieve this with a young child is to get outdoors for a walk or a game of chasing, climbing or puddle jumping. Maybe walk by the new school casually but clearly and say: “There’s your new school, you will have lots of fun there”. If she wants to pause and look for a while, do so, but don’t force things: Keep walking by once you have pointed it out.

Starting ‘big school’ can feel quite abstract for a young child who has never been there before, so find practical ways to involve her in the preparation process. Taking her with you to pick out school supplies can help her feel a more active part of the change and can help give her a sense of ownership.

Also, be as (physically and emotionally) available as you can be for the first two weeks. Let the school know she is worried about starting: The staff are highly skilled in helping children settle in and will help her.

Make a plan for yourself after drop-off on those first few days; we can forget how big a deal it is for parents when our children start school. Be sure to mind yourself, too.

• If you have a question for psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]