Joanna Fortune: My ex's partner doesn't seem to care about our children

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My ex-husband’s new partner shows little interest in our young children. 

They stay with them every second weekend but must slot into their grown-up routine — there are never any day trips or even visits to the playground. My ex seems to let her take the lead. 

The children don’t complain but are usually withdrawn when they get home. I’m not sure what I can do.

This sounds like a conversation that needs to take place between you and your ex-partner, if possible. You share your children with him, not his partner. 

He has chosen to bring a new person into their lives, so it’s his responsibility to ensure their needs are met (not just basic care needs, but also fun experiences such as the ones you mention) when they are in his and his partner’s care.

It can be easy to slip into blaming his new partner for not behaving in a more child-centred way or not working harder to include your children in their weekend plans.

It certainly would be nice if she did but I don’t know what role she sees herself in within your children’s lives or if your ex-partner has discussed these boundaries with her.

Your ex’s new partner does not have custodial responsibility for your children; their father does.

You could suggest that if he had plans in place for the children when they stay with him, they could look forward to their time with him. Again, I am unclear on the status of your communicative relationship, so you will need to adjust this to suit where that is at.

If you believe your children receive good functional care (the basics) while they are with their father and his partner, and nothing in your letter infers otherwise, you may need to decide whether you want to address your concerns at this time. He is responsible for nurturing and developing his relationship with his children as they grow.

If you decide to bring up your concerns, speak from the children’s point of view rather than what you think he should be doing, or it could sound as though you are criticising him and his partner, which will not improve communication between you.

Try to approach this as a co-parent if you can. For example, send him photos of the children at the playground and on a day-trip activity and say, “Thought you would enjoy seeing this — they love the playground” or wherever you are.

You could also consider giving the children a small gift — such as flowers or a candle — for his new partner. She will know that this has come from you and may serve as a gesture to open up communication so that you can also let her know what the children enjoy.

Again, I will let you decide what is possible in this regard.

Co-parenting in a blended family way is not easy. It relies heavily on clear, respectful and open communication, which can be difficult to achieve if unhealed hurts are on either side.

• You might find this podcast episode helpful: exa.mn/15-minutes-blended-family
• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]