Joanna Fortune: My younger daughter lacks confidence and depends too much on her sister

Dr Joanna Fortune: Your children are still very young and developmentally within reach of each other so the fact that they feel connected and get along is, generally, a positive

My daughters are aged eight and 10. The younger one lacks confidence and finds it difficult to make friends. She’s happy to play with her sister but gets upset whenever she leaves to go on playdates or sleepovers. I’ve tried to reassure her she will have her own friends in time, but she doesn’t believe me. I’m also worried that my eldest daughter feels obliged to play with her lonely sister. I’m not sure which way to turn.

Typically we get questions about sibling rivalry but yours raises a different kind of sibling dynamic that can emerge in childhood — that of sibling co-dependency or, in your case, dependency as it appears to be one-sided. This is a term used to describe one or both siblings excessively relying on the other for emotional support.

Your children are developmentally within reach of each other so the fact that they feel connected and get along is generally a positive. However, what you are starting to see is your older daughter slowly beginning to pull away from her sibling and lean into her own peer relationships. This is exactly what we expect to see starting to happen at her age. It is not a rejection, but her sensitive and more dependent sister may experience it as a rejection.

When your eldest daughter next has plans with her friends, you could ask your younger daughter to invite a friend over and if she cannot do that, suggest you contact a child you know she gets on well with to come over so that you initiate the social engagement for her. When the child comes over, support the playdate and encourage your daughter to connect more with her own friends.

Joanna Fortune. Picture: Moya Nolan

Here are some ideas to structure the playdate:

Time it: Ensure the playdate is no longer than 90 minutes. It can be helpful to offer to drop the visiting child home to ensure it isn’t too long for your daughter. It is best that the playdate ends with them wanting more time rather than it being too long and one or both have lost interest.

Bookend it: Think of an activity you can use to get them started and that also brings up the energy and connection again at the end. It can be nice to start with them making buns with you in the kitchen. Once they are in the oven, the girls can play. When you notice things fizzling or it is close to the end of the time, bring them back to the kitchen and have icing bowls and sprinkles laid out so that they can decorate the buns. The visiting child then gets to take some home with them when they go home.

Plan and reflect: Talk with your daughter about what she likes to play and what she thinks or has seen the other child like to play. Support her in planning to introduce some of her own preferred play and include an activity or game/toy she knows her friend will also enjoy. Afterwards, ask your daughter what she thinks went really well and what she would change about the playdate for the next time.

Your letter implies your younger girl doesn’t have many friends of her own yet and depends more upon her sister for connection and play. Have you spoken with her school to see if she plays with children in class?

It might be worth finding an activity she does without her sister to give her a chance to connect with children with whom she has a shared interest.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]