Fergus Finlay: I braved the Tomnafinnoge wood to predict the future for you

 Johnny Sexton celebrates after kicking a late penalty against South Africa at the Aviva Stadium in Dublin. Are bigger celebrations to come? Picture: Brendan Moran/Sportsfile

It's a dark mysterious place, the Tomnafinnoge wood. It’s near Shillelagh in County Wicklow, and it’s famous as one of the last remnants of the ancient oak forests that used to cover most of that part of the county. It’s a place of legend and mystery, especially now on New Year’s Eve.

Mere mortal men tend not to venture deep into the woods on nights like these. But I have taken my courage in both hands, because I have been told that here above all places I might learn things that would be to the advantage of my readers in the Irish Examiner.

In the depth of the night, in the dark of this ancient old wood, I came upon a clearing. And there they were, the three witches of legend, sitting around their mystical black cauldron. They were chanting, as I had heard many times they would be, and it was almost musical, in the stillness of that night.

Double, double, toil and trouble — fire burn and cauldron bubble … As their chanting died away, and they began to share their predictions, I scribbled furiously, crouched in the trees and hoping my writing would be legible when I emerged into the light. I believe I managed to transcribe some of them at least, so that you can be prepared for what lies ahead.

Sadly, I realised after I had made my way out of the woods that these three witches have no interest in sport. 

If I could have revealed myself I’d have asked one question, the only question that really matters. Will Ireland win the Rugby World Cup?

It starts in September, it goes on for two months, and already I’m all of a tremble. We have to beat South Africa, Scotland, Tonga, and Romania to win our group. But that’s where it gets interesting. If we win the group, we probably have to beat New Zealand or France to progress. If we come second in our group, we have to beat (guess who) France or New Zealand to progress.

But once we’ve done that it gets easier. Can’t you just imagine the battle that will ensue if we have a semi-final against England, with always the possibility of a re-match with South Africa in the greatest final of all time? It could hardly be more epic.

Time to stop dreaming and make my first prediction. After he lifts the Webb Ellis Cup for Ireland, Johnny Sexton is asked about retiring now. He smiles, and says “some Chinese leaders go on into their 90s, you know, although that may be a bit long …”

And for the rest of the year...

And now for the rest of the hard news that I managed to write down during that scary sojourn in the Tomnafinnoge Wood.

January 2023: There is outrage in Dublin 4 when the government announces that it will use its compulsory purchase powers if home-owners in Shrewsbury and Aylesbury Roads don’t agree to add an additional floor to each of their mansions for social housing purposes. Fine Gael’s poll ratings promptly collapse.

February 2023: Just in time for Valentine’s Day, former President Donald Trump launches what he calls an “anatomically correct” doll of himself, in a choice of Batman or Superman outfits. Some scepticism is expressed when it’s noticed that the transparent packaging features very large hands, but sales are enormous.

March 2023: A head of steam builds up as pensioners protest against the inadequacy of the €12 increase in the Old Age Pension in January. The “March of the Zimmer Frames”, as it comes to be called, leads to a near riot outside Leinster House, with gardaí unable to control an unruly crowd of octogenarians. It frightens the life out of the Government who promptly double the increase with immediate effect.

April 2023: British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak is revealed to have made forty million pounds when a pharmaceutical company his family owns forces through a price increase on a life-saving drug. Sunak is under pressure to consider his position, and Boris Johnson announces that he is considering a comeback. In a statement, he talks about the need to “restore standards and decency to British politics”.

May 2023: In a departure from precedent the Norwegian Committee responsible for the annual Peace Prize brings forward its announcement and awards the Prize, “as a gesture of global solidarity” to the President and People of Ukraine. Vladimir Putin announces that he is now considering a “special military operation” against Scandinavia. Russian generals decide that this is the last straw and Putin is placed under house arrest.

Russian President Vladimir Putin.

June 2023: From his heavily guarded dacha outside Moscow, Putin gives an exclusive interview to Tucker Carlson of Fox News. Carlson points out that a terrible injustice was done when the Nobel committee refused to recognise Putin as the real peacemaker in the region, and Putin agrees. Through his interpreter, he says he was only joking when he threatened to invade the whole of Scandinavia. “I only need Finland,” he says.

July 2023: Ireland is stopped in its tracks when Mayo steals the Sam Maguire Cup. It was taken in a daring break-in two days before the All-Ireland Final, and put on display in Westport. The County Board denies all responsibility, while speculating that perhaps someone had to do something to end the curse on the county. To everyone’s astonishment, Mayo then go on to win the Final. “It worked,” the Bishop of Killala is heard muttering.

August 2023: Joe Biden visits Ireland and Northern Ireland for two days and is given a hero’s welcome. From Mar-a-Lago Donald Trump issues a statement saying “they wanted me to stay for a week because of my role in negotiating the peace process with Her Majesty the Queen, but I was too busy”.

September/October 2023: There is an enormous exodus of rugby fans, journalists, and politicians to France, to follow Ireland in the World Cup. Nothing happens at home, apart from a national record number of burglaries.

Suella Braverman will become Tory leader.

November 2023: An unenviable record is created in Britain when yet another Tory leader is forced to resign. After an intense campaign within the Party, Boris Johnson is pipped in the last ballot by Suella Braverman, who announces her intention of building a wall around the southern, eastern and western coasts of the UK to keep foreigners out. When pressed about the cost she announces that she intends that Ireland, France and Belgium will pay for it.

December 2023: The government is forced to admit that it may not now meet its housing targets for the year, as all of Ireland’s leading developers announce that they have accepted contracts to build what has come to be called the Braverman wall. So the first consequence of the wall is an influx into Britain of Irish brickies and labourers, and a surge in demand across the country for breakfast rolls.

Finally, if my predictions don’t all work out, remember the Irish political correspondent who, when he was chastised for getting his predictions wrong, would always say “it was right when I wrote it”. And whether or not they’re wrong, what I really want is that 2023 will be really good for each of you and all of us.