Dear Dáithí: We're clashing on how to raise our daughter — I don't want to be the bad cop all the time

"There isn’t a parent reading this who hasn’t been in your shoes, on your side or that of your partner, but it’s very important that you both understand the bottom line here, and that is that you both want the best for your daughter, you both have different ways of showing it."

Dear Dáithí,

My partner and I had our first baby last year and while we both adore our daughter, we’re constantly clashing over how to raise her. 

I’m more routine-based and cautious — I like to read up on everything and follow advice from our GP or books. He’s more go-with-the-flow, laid back, and thinks I worry too much.

What used to be little differences now turn into full-on arguments. I feel like the 'bad cop' all the time, while he gets to be the fun one. Sometimes I worry we’re turning into two separate parents rather than a team.

I love him, but I’m scared this pressure is going to push us apart. How do we meet in the middle when we see parenting so differently — and how do I stop feeling like I’m the only one carrying the mental load? 

I was brought up by a single mother who was a bit chaotic. She passed away ten years ago, having a lot of mental health difficulties, I know she did her best, and it was a very tough time, but I am determined to be a different type of mother. 

At the same time, I do not want my child growing up in a broken home and I'm trying to walk the line between keeping my partner happy and not compromising on my own ideals. 

I'm feeling really scared and I feel like something bad is going to happen.  

There is no doubt but having a child is the best feeling in the world, it’s still the top of my list and the highlight of my life.

With that feeling comes other feelings and responsibility and because this is still all very new to you both - it’s only been a year, you seem to have different ways of doing things.

There isn’t a parent reading this who hasn’t been in your shoes, on your side or that of your partner, but it’s very important that you both understand the bottom line here, and that is that you both want the best for your daughter, you both have different ways of showing it. 

You see, there is no parent manual or guide that can prepare you for what is going to happen — there is plenty of advice out there, and some people are only delighted to get stuck into other people’s business; stay away from those people. 

So, you both want the same thing but have different styles in getting it. This is a good place to start!

Lots of things can change in the first year of a child, for the parents. 

First of all, the lack of sleep can shorten the longest of fuses, along with unchartered water feeling, coupled with the fear of 'am I doing this the right way?' internal conversations — there is a lot to unpack here, and this all leads to uncertainty in your head which leads to tiredness, and around and around we go.

Now, add a lack of communication into all of this, and to get to where you both are now, little differences blowing out of control. 

You are worried about not being a team and being separate parents, but I think that you need to be both separate parents and a team to have the best mix, you both just need to work on the team part. 

There are three elements in this, you, him and ye. And the ‘ye’ part here is the common ground things you both agree on, so ask yourself what they are and focus on them together. 

It’s like the maths graph in school with the two circles that cut across each other, what’s inside there that ye agree on? (A Venn diagram? - Ed)

You can only control what you do, and you should focus more on that as opposed to what you don’t like what your partner is doing. 

I see so many people wasting so much energy on this, so what if your partner is the laid back one, wouldn’t you want your daughter to be laid back and have that outlook in life. That is a great trait to have. 

You want to stop feeling like you are the only one carrying a heavy mental load, well here’s news for you, you are not alone. 

I’d bet my house on it that your partner is carrying the same heavy mental load, but is carrying it in a different way and the thing about it is, it’s the same loads you are both carrying, so let’s go back to the maths circles. 

When you find what you both agree on when it comes to minding your daughter, help each other out what these things.

One of the biggest things you’re going to have to do here is let go some of the control in this whole situation. 

Your partner has a different way of doing things it’s as simple as that, this doesn’t make him a bad father or a lazy father, and if I’m being honest having parents who are very different can be a good thing, we just need to understand where you both are coming from and then we’ll know where you’re going.

It's a natural thing to compare yourself to your mother, I do it all the time with my father. 

You had a childhood with chaotic parts and that is very tough, and I can see why you want a very different situation for your daughter, and it is. 

I think sometimes we worry so much about something that ‘might’ happen we can drive ourselves mad and we need to challenge these thoughts and stick to the facts and blow them out of the water.

The facts here are, you are not a single mother, you have a partner who you love, you disagree on somethings not all things. 

You are afraid something bad is going happen, you need to say stop in your mind when you think like this. 

Nothing bad is going to happen, you are going to have this chat with your partner and explain what is going through your head and that you understand that you both have different styles and that you think the same on certain things and not on others, you take charge of A and he does B and C is done together, at the same time both of you knowing that this is the best thing for your daughter. 

I’m sure he knows your background, but does he know how much it plays on your mind? You should tell him!

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