Dear Dáithí: My daughter is with an older guy — she seems to make all the sacrifice in the relationship

He has children from a previous relationship and doesn't want any more. She says she doesn't want children but I know in my heart this is not true. How can I make her see sense?

Dáithí Ó Sé: You have to talk to her about this and not in a ‘you’re wrong and I’m right’ kinda way. Listen to her and be there for her, that is all you can really do at this point.

Dear Dáithí,

I’m very worried about my daughter. She is going out with a guy 12 years older than her. 

She is 26 years old, and he is 38. He has children from a previous relationship and has told her he doesn’t want any more kids. They are with each other more than a year now.

She says she doesn’t want children, but I know in my heart this is not true. She seems to make all the sacrifice in the relationship.

I feel he is too controlling, and she seems to have lost touch with her friends. I said nothing all along, hoping it would pass, but now she is talking about moving in with him. 

She says he treats her much better then guys her own age.

I can’t stand the thought of her losing out on being a mother, just because it doesn’t suit him. 

She never tells me about his relationship with his kids from the previous relationship. It’s like they don’t exist. She’s never met them.

I’m so worried about her, how can I make her see sense?

There is a lot happening here, and I can tell that all these different moving parts are going round and around in your head, and causing sleepless nights and everything else that goes with that.

So, the first thing I’m going to say is stop! Stop for a second and take a breather. 

You are doing a lot of thinking without a lot of knowing and that is the biggest waste of time and energy ever. 

You should only be concerned about the facts — you are entitled to ‘the facts’ not ‘your own facts’.

I’m sorry if I’m being direct here but I must. It’s very important.

Here is one definite fact, you have raised your daughter to be the 26-year-old she is today. 

You have done your best and, yes, your best is good enough, so you know that she is responsible, loving and a strong person, just like her mother. This is a great place to start, this is a great foundation.

Now she is 26, so she isn’t a baby anymore, and her boyfriend is 38 and the age gap is 12 years. 

If I’m being totally honest the age gap doesn’t bother me. The main thing here is that they get on and are good to each other.

Yes, he has children and says he doesn’t want anymore, and your daughter says she doesn’t want children, but you don’t believe her. 

You probably know her better than anyone else apart from herself, but herself does have one over you here. 

Twenty-six in today’s world is younger than what 26 was when I was that age and she might change her mind, but it’s all about the now in one sense.

You have to talk to her about this and not in a ‘you’re wrong and I’m right’ kinda way. Listen to her and be there for her, that is all you can really do at this point. 

Remember when you were 26 and older people telling you what to do. We were all there.

You feel that he is controlling — again, you feel but don’t know for sure. 

I wouldn’t read into your daughter losing touch with her friends, this happens a lot with any new relationship and the good friends will always be there, so don’t worry about that.

It does sound to me that you don’t know the man at all, so I think this is where you need to make an effort especially now that there is talk about moving in with each other. 

I think your daughter might have been afraid of what you have to say about the age gap and his children and that’s why she hasn’t told you a whole lot about the relationship and that needs to change.

You are both adults and need to have an adult conversation about this from start to finish. 

I’d start by asking her what she really likes about this man as opposed to what you don’t like about him. This really is her story to tell. 

Believe me, your daughter will love this. She will feel that you are on her side again. You know you always were, but it’s important that she knows that mom is always there for her.

I’m going to give her boyfriend the benefit of the doubt when it comes to his children. I may be wrong, but this might be the case. 

When a person who has children starts a new relationship, they are very cautious when it comes to bringing a new partner into their children’s life, and this is the smartest thing they can do. 

I’ve seen it before when a person moves on too quickly and introduces a new partner to the children too fast and the kids are looking around saying WTF and then two weeks later the new partner gets the ‘long poc out’.

So, I’m hoping that this man is being cautious and responsible. You will only know the real story when you meet with him and you should do that sooner rather than later... for your own sanity as much as anything else.

Just before I go, I want to go back to the children issue. Don’t worry about this. If there does come a time when your daughter would like a child you just don’t know how her boyfriend will feel at that time. 

He might want to go again, he is only 38, but don’t go down the ‘what if road’. At this moment in time your daughter is a happy, healthy young woman and we know that and you should be thankful of that.

The last question you have in your letter is about making her see sense, but I’d prefer you to see what really is real and when you look at it through those glasses you shouldn’t be worrying about what we don’t know. 

Get to know your daughter again and start a new friendship with her boyfriend.

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