Dear Dáithí: 'How do I tell my bereaved friend I'm expecting a baby?'

I see why there is a cloud over this for you, but you shouldn’t feel scared when it comes to telling your friend.

Mon, 13 May, 2024 - 12:20

Daithi Ó Sé

Dear Dáithí,

My best friend’s baby daughter died six days after she was born. This was two years ago, but she is still so affected by it — understandably. I was there with her through it all, I know how devastating it was for her, and the absolute sorrow it caused her.

It haunts her that she doesn’t know why. There was no explanation given, the baby didn’t have any disease, no accident happened, the baby just died, and I feel she never got closure.

Her relationship broke down about a year ago, and she relies quite a bit on me for a lot of things. We are more like sisters, and I would do anything for her. The problem is I’ve recently found out that I am pregnant.

My husband and I are delighted but I feel so scared about how to tell my friend. I don’t want to hurt her. I also feel like I won’t be able to enjoy my pregnancy around her — and then feel guilty for feeling like that.

I feel there’s a cloud over my pregnancy and it’s nobody’s fault, but I don’t know what to do. Should I detach myself a little bit from my friend to protect us both?

How can I tell her about the news in the most sensitive way? I’m awake with worry over it.

Your letter is one of both huge sorrow and joy, and I can see your dilemma. But don’t be worried, this will all be fine.

First off, I’m so sorry to hear this has happened to your friend. I can’t even imagine what that feels like, even thinking about it puts the hairs standing on my head.

It’s clear you have been a great friend to this person and have been there for her all of this time.

It’s been two years since this happened and to the rest of us that might be a long time, but I’m sure in this case for your friend, it has been like a life sentence.

I’m sure as you say that this has haunted her every day and especially when there was no cause behind it.

Having no explanation means we don’t have anyone or thing to blame and this can be very difficult to accept.

No matter what the cause, you can’t really put a timeline on grief and sometimes people never get over something like this, but I think the pain does ease and it’s important to say that.

Her relationship broke down a year ago and I’d imagine that losing their child had a lot to do with it.

Again, this is so tough on both parents and even though the relationship didn’t last, the ending must be looked at through what has happened, so we should stand back from it and not judge.

She is like a sister to you therefore you were there again for her. That’s what friends do and fair play to you, you have been really there for her throughout the toughest part of her life.

Now, congratulations. I’m delighted that you are pregnant and expecting (do people even say this anymore?) with your first child with your husband.

This is not a problem as you say in your letter, this is the opposite. This is the best news ever!

I see at the same time why there is a cloud over this for you, but you shouldn’t feel scared when it comes to telling your friend.

I think you might be afraid of bringing up some of your friend’s memories and you don’t want to hurt her and that might be the case, but this is your story.

It’s not a case of one story versus another, this is just the way it is. I don’t mean to sound cold here, but we must see the reality.

You are not putting her in your shadow here, you are bringing her into your light and that’s a very special place. You need to begin enjoying your pregnancy and you need your friend to be part of it too.

Don’t forget your husband in all of this too, with all of this happening we don’t want him to feel left out.

You need to tell your friend that you are pregnant, and you need to do it soon, can you imagine if she hears it from somebody else, that would be devastating for you both, so that can’t happen.

I think she will be delighted for you both. I think she will go off after and think about her own girl and might get upset, but I think her delight for you will take away some of the pain she has.

Another reason why you must tell her very soon is because she might have already copped that you’re pregnant, she might have seen the signs. She might be wondering why you haven’t told her.

I was thinking and you might have been thinking about this already, what about asking your friend to be the godmother of your child. I think this is a very special role and if you think your friend would like it, I’d go for it.

If you think she would see it in any other way I’d leave it. Only you will know how to play that one. Discuss this with your husband too and make sure he is in the loop with all of this.

You asked in your letter if you should detach from your friend to protect both of you and I think you know what I think of that. It’s coming together more ye should be doing and be open about what has happened and what is going on now.

There is no hiding place when it comes to these matters. You need to focus on you now for a while, it’s very important that you are in a good place going forward and that you’re not worrying about other things.

This is a very special time for you and your husband and you must enjoy it. I’ve said this before, wait until you see these eyes staring back at you from the cot, you must embrace it all — every bit of it.

Helplines that offer bereavement support include: