Joanna Fortune: My daughter feels jealous of her friend's friendship with another girl 

I would urge you not to dismiss or minimise your daughter’s emotional response, writes child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune 

Your daughter is aware that her best friend is forming a strong connection with someone else she sees a lot outside of school. File picture: iStock 

My daughter has just turned nine. She attends a country school with just a dozen in her class. This year, the girls are in smaller groups, and my daughter seems to have struggled with this change. Her ‘best friend’ has started spending a lot of time with a girl from another class outside of school because they live close to each other. My daughter is not being excluded in any way but is extremely jealous of their friendship. I’ve tried explaining that it’s OK to have lots of different friends but she’s very upset and dislikes going to school now. How can I help her cope with her jealousy?

I feel empathy for your daughter because a lot is changing around her right now. She has no control over what is happening, and that is very difficult to deal with.

We tend to see significant shifts in friendships for children (especially girls) between the ages of seven and nine. Prior to this, friendships are often generalised, as our kids are friendly with their larger peer group. Alliances can be fluid, moving towards some kids and then others, depending largely on where a child is within themselves. 

But around the seven-to-nine stage, we see friendship cluster groups emerge. Children start to assign a hierarchy to their friendships, naming their very best friends within the best-friend cluster and other “just friends” who might not be in their best-friend group but are children they still feel friendly towards. 

This is all a very normal part of their development but it can also be very difficult as previous alliances change, and some children feel excluded or find they have to share the friend they thought was “theirs” with others.

Your daughter is aware that her best friend is forming a strong connection with someone else she sees a lot outside of school. She does not get to have this time with them, so even though they are not excluding her while in school, she feels excluded from the extra time they get to enjoy together at home as neighbours. It is understandable that she is upset.

Jealousy can emerge when someone feels insecure about being left out or when they feel their connection with a loved one is under threat (real or perceived). I would urge you not to dismiss or minimise your daughter’s emotional response by rushing to reassure her that her friend is not excluding her but rather to validate her feelings so she feels understood and can work through those feelings with you, rather than sitting alone with her jealousy.

You might want to (gently) suggest that this jealousy is a mask for fear, sadness, and anger by saying something like: “It sounds as though you are scared you will lose your friend, which makes you sad but also a bit angry about this situation.”

The best way to respond to your jealous child is to meet her with empathy. 

Offer reassurance that she is a great friend and compassion, help her understand why she is feeling the way she is by reflecting what might be triggering this, and provide co-regulation so that she is calmed through you. Maybe even discuss a similar experience you’ve had and how you feel now.

Your daughter needs to be able to emotionally exhale these confusing and conflicting feelings with you (her safe person) so she can start to make sense of what is happening right now.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]