'Help, my 15-year-old daughter is out of control — we feel like we are losing our child'

Richard Hogan: Children crave boundaries, it helps them to understand the world and their place in it. Photograph Moya Nolan

Dear Richard, can you please help me? My 15-year-old daughter is out of control. She is on her phone too much, and I can hear her fighting with her friends and the language she uses is really awful, I don’t know where she gets it from because myself and my husband never use language like that. I have two younger children and they are starting to use bad language. She stays in her room all day, never comes down to be with the family, and now has started to not go into school. She has no interest in anything outside of her nails, makeup and eyelashes. She slams doors and says awful things to me. We really feel like we are losing our child, it is causing fights between myself and my husband. He is too soft with her, always dropping her places and collecting her and giving her money. There are no consequences for her behaviour. I have heard you speaking about this so many times, but I need your help. Please help me save my family.

Your letter could have been written by so many mothers around this country. The first thing to really consider before you ever start to coherently parent your child is, why do you and your husband approach parenting so differently? It is a really important first question to ask. Is it that your husband doesn’t see it as such a serious issue? Are his concerns the same as yours? Or is it that he wants to be her friend? Or doesn’t like conflict?

Whatever the reason, you both have to sit down and really figure out the culture you want to set in the house. It doesn’t sound like you are both happy with how she is behaving in the family. So, you have to change how you are behaving first as parents. Something has happened here for your daughter's behaviour to become, as you describe, ‘out of control’. 

It doesn’t sound like fun to be your daughter. So think about what has caused this homeostasis, balance, to exist in the family. Parents should be the ones to set the values, culture and beliefs in the family. That is a bright light that illuminates the way for your children to follow, particularly when things get tough in adult life. It is such a vital gift that parents give their children. When that is inconsistent or non-existent, you can end up with an inverted hierarchy, and that is one of the most disruptive phenomena for a happy and peaceful home.

An inverted hierarchy basically means a child does not view the parent as an authoritative presence and they dictate how they live in the home. They won’t come home when they are supposed to, they won’t hand over the phone at night, they cause huge fights and end up getting exactly what they want. Parents back off the child because they don’t want to have a blow-up in the house. 

The child has out-manoeuvred the parents, and there is only peace in the house when the child is getting exactly what they want. I have worked with this type of dynamic for so many years, and it causes incredible suffering for the home. Children crave boundaries, it helps them to understand the world and their place in it. 

In all my years working with families, I have never met a child or adult who said, I must thank my parents for never having rules and allowing me to do whatever I wanted. 

So, as parents you have work to do before you ever start to think of bringing in policies to parent your child. 

You cannot be inconsistent with your parenting approach. You both have to say the same thing. Inconsistency really damages children. Once you have both agreed your approach, you have to start bringing in rules. But because she is 15 and has never had to really experience consequences for her behaviour, you have to do this slowly. 

Remember, too much difference is too much. So, if you attempt to right all the wrongs in one go, your child will just resist them. You have to do it incrementally. I’d love to hear why she doesn’t want to go to school. Maybe there is an issue in her peer group, or maybe she is staying up too late on her phone and is simply tired at 7:30am. 

This is the reason why parents must never let their child have the phone in the bedroom overnight. It is causing so many problems for children. So, this will be a tricky one to bring in. But you are the parents, and if she is not happy with you that is okay. You are not her best friend. You are her parent and you decide the rules in the house. 

It sounds like she really needs respite from her device. I would not allow her to stay home from school. That can become a very difficult habit to break, it sounds like it is forming, so don’t allow it to take hold.

You are not losing your daughter, try not to think in such dramatic terms. She is 15 years old, and is seeing where the line is. So, far she hasn’t met it. But yourself and your husband have to introduce her to it. 

Your daughter isn’t the problem, her behaviour is the problem. And all behaviours can be modified and ameliorated.