Joanna Fortune: My daughter is being excluded by her friend group at school

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My 11-year-old daughter is being excluded by her friend group at school and doesn’t know why. Fortunately, she is a sporty girl and has made many good friends at the local club. She now brings a book to school to read during break time, but it breaks my heart to see her so upset. I spoke to her teacher but she said there was little she could do.

It is so hard to see our children struggle like this and the urge to jump in and rescue them from this kind of situation is immense.

But while I understand your impulse to dive in and help, I advise you not to if it can be avoided.

Friendship is a developmental curve and it evolves significantly throughout childhood. Children will be in sync, out of sync and back in sync (or perhaps not) with each other and this will repeat. Leave them alone so they can work out what type of friends complement them or not and who makes them feel good or bad about themselves.

The rare exception is toxic friendship or bullying that negatively affects your child’s self-esteem and confidence and impacts their quality of life in school, at an activity, or at home. In this instance, take steps to redirect your child towards other friends and speak with your school to take appropriate action.

It can be so challenging to see our children hurt over friendships. Children at this age will prioritise their peers. They want to confide in and be confided in. They care about each other’s happiness and wellbeing and it can seem as if they are extensions of each other. Because the investment in friendship is so intense, peer rejection can hurt deeply.

I’m sure what has happened is painful and confusing for your daughter as she is experiencing exclusion by her friends and doesn’t know why.

There may not be a specific reason this has happened but more a sense within the group that they are not all developing in the same way at the same time. This is not unusual at this age or stage of development when some pre-teens become overtly ‘adolescent’ and others are still in their childhood development and interests.

You were right to express curiosity to the teacher in case you were missing something. Your daughter sounds as though she has found a way to occupy and distract herself in school on breaks with her book but I would rather see her active and playing with her peers during school.

She has peer connections beyond this group in her activities, which is great as she is not solely reliant on them outside of school.

I suggest you express curiosity about other children in her class with whom she may have shared interests and encourage her to invite new friends home to spend time together, especially as you come into the summer months so that she can return to the new school year with new connections in place.

If the situation does not change and she continues to feel isolated and alone in school, please go back to her teacher and share what you have observed and explore what can be done to support her.

I have a two-part podcast on friendships that you might find helpful.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]